Hello November

Hello.

I am fairly certain that I am pretty much talking to myself here. I checked, and I haven't posted since February. That's 8 months. Yikes! This year has flown by, and I seriously don't know where it went. For a long time, this blog was pretty much the only thing in life that I was consistent with. I think I posted over 100 times in 2010. I have no idea how I would have gotten through the year after Livie died without this blog and the community that I became a part of because of it. I have no idea where my life would be.

So I'm back! I've been thinking about it a lot lately... and maybe it's because it's been fall which is always a not-so-subtle reminder that it's almost the 20th of November and we're getting close to another birthday.

I've said it before - that I want to start blogging consistently again... and even though I would like to say that this will be the year that I'll stick to it (I measure my years from November to November now, I just realized. I'm not sure if that's good or bad), who knows if I actually will! Consistency and comittment are two things that I really need to work on right now. I have a hard time sticking to anything, and I always blame it on the business of working 50+ hours per week, and working on my Master's degree at the same time. But then, I look around at people around me and realize that somehow, others are able to keep it together and participate in all kinds of things outside of work, and
there's no reason why I can't do the same thing.

I just skimmed through the last 20 posts or so, and realized that this blog makes me look like I have some absolutely CRAZY mood swings! For whatever reason, I pretty much have only blogged when something amazing happened, or when something bad happened, if I was extremely happy or at a very low point. I'm actually a pretty normal person, in case anyone has been wondering.

Earlier this year, I posted about wanting to participate in the One Little Word Project, and chose the word "Focus" as my One Little Word. Well... not only did I not participate in the project, I didn't focus. On any of the things that I wrote about in that blog post when I talked about how I desperately needed focus in my life. Here's the paragraph I'm referring to...

"Not only did that make me start to get burned out on work, but it also meant I wasn't doing anything I love or NEEDED to do/get done. I wasn't having as many quality conversations with my husband, cleaning wasn't getting done, laundry piled up, I stopped scrap booking, blogging, and weeks went by where my camera didn't move from it's bag. It also meant that months went by (seriously) where I didn't go to the gym, AND I didn't take the time to care what I was eating. And don't even mention my shitty communication skills - my friends probably thought I fell off the face of the earth. Thank God for texting, twitter, and facebook, because without those three things, I don't think I would even have friends anymore since I haven't had time to see them.

The result? More pounds, less energy, more stress, a messy house and a bazillion unfinished projects.

 

Anyway, this is too much of a coincidence to be a coincidence. I took this as a sign that I needed to start focusing on what is really important in life. On myself, my husband, our family, God, and what makes me happy and healthy. And yes... I will still have to focus on work :(. But I am going to have to learn how to balance. So, that's my New Year's Resolution - to focus on what's important. I am not sure how it will take shape just yet, but we'll find out.... and the result can only be a good one.

And obviously, in case you haven't figured it out, my One Little Word is {Focus}."

aaaannnddd pretty much absolutely nothing has changed. :). Well, I suppose that's not completely true. Kurt and I have been spending more quality time together and we've been able to hang out with friends a little more often. Also, I've had a bit more time to go to the gym. But other than that... pretty much no change. I'm not going to say that I'm going to participate in the project or anything like that, I'm just reminding myself to start focusing on what's important.

So, it's November 1, which I feel like is a fitting time to start over. I used to have a couple hundred followers that I know read regularly.. but like I said, I'm fairly certain that I'm just talking to myself now. But that's okay. It makes me feel good, and that's the point. I need to re-incorporate the things that make me feel good back into my life, and I think blogging will help me stay focused on that. If I can remember to actual write like I say I'm going to.

Happy Sweet November everyone!!

Our first BIG snow - finally!

Weight Watchers Weigh-In #3

This week, I gained two lbs.

So, I've lost 3 lbs total. In 4 weeks. That's not very good!

Am I irritated? YES. But I am not going to be one of those people that just gets mad and says, "this doesn't work"! I know it works.... I just sucked at it this past week.

I think there were two or three days where I didn't track every single meal. After doing some reading and talking to friends at work who are also doing WW, I learned the importance of tracking BEFORE you even take a single bite of whatever you're about to eat. Otherwise, while it's great that you're being honest and tracking everything... you don't know if you've gone over until after you've done so.

I do awesome for breakfast and lunch - I eat both of those meals at work, so I portion out the exact serving size of whatever I'm eating, and don't have the option of eating anything more. Dinner and after dinner snacking are what get me.

Also, I didn't track one single activity point this week. I worked until 7 or so most of the weeknights, and had no desire to go to the gym when I got home or get up the next morning at 5:00 to go early.

I will be working on that this week.

Today was a hard day.

{This post was written sometime in June, and has been saved as a draft ever since. I have no idea why it was never posted. So here it is now}

Well.

Today was rough.

I'm still in training at my new job, which includes a few months of mandatory classroom training. Today, we talked about Shaken Baby Syndrome so that we can recognize the signs of it. That actually isn't the part that was hard. I knew when I applied for this job that I would see some awful things happen to kids. The part that really got to me was when we spent a long time talking about grief and mourning. I actually hadn't really thought about that being a part of my job. After talking about it for a while it makes a lot of sense - a lot of parents will mourn the loss of their children from their lives even when their own actions might be the reason that their children were removed from their homes. I can talk about grief - obviously. No big deal. The hard part came when the trainer wanted us to talk - in detail - about what grief felt like...because we'll be more empathetic etc., if we can kind of know what they're feeling. He asked if anyone in the class who had recently lost someone would be willing to talk about the physiological effects that it has on your body... like what it physically feels like to grieve. I knew that I would lose it if I raised my hand to speak, so I just kept my mouth shut.  A couple of other people raised their hands and shared their stories... but I could very well be the only person in the room who knows what it's like to actually have to hand over their child to someone knowing that it's the last time I'll ever see her.

Talking about grief and mourning isn't the problem, but because of the discussion, I felt like I was actually reliving the moment we placed Olivia back in her basinette and walked out of the NICU over and over and over in my head. I haven't actually let myself really think about that moment in a very long time. I didn't cry though... and I don't think anyone could tell that I was getting shaken up.

Afterwards, the trainer read two poems about grief out loud. To the group. By that point I was just thinking, COME ON!!

The good part was that after we finished talking about those issues, talked about attachment and watched a video of kids seeing their military dads for the first time after a deployment. I think ALL of us (at least the girls) were crying... so that was a good little emotional outlet for me!

I also would like to say that I really hesitated before writing this post. Then after I started writing it, I erased it and started over a few times. Talking about hard days makes me feel like I'm complaining too much. I struggle with worrying that people will think I'm grasping for sympathy from others - like I want people to feel bad for me. But I know that when I was a "newbie" to this baby loss thing, I found so much comfort in reading the blogs of women that were candid and honest about their pain - and happiness. It's so much easier to write about the good days than it is to write about the bad ones, but I think it's important that I'm honest with myself and with you guys. Because even after posting just yesterday about how well I'm doing, it's okay to have a bad day too.

Weight Watchers!!

In my last post, I said that I needed to start focusing on myself more, and what makes me happy - and healthy.

SO. After much debating, I joined Weight Watchers Online. My mom and I have joined WW together in the past, and I never had much success. We did it the traditional way - I'm not sure if the online tools even existed yet... and I remember feeling like tracking points was way too much work and I always forgot to do it. But that was when you had to look them up in a book, OR, add up everything yourself and do a little math equation when looking at the food label. Now that EVERYTHING is online.... it's so much easier! I also love that when I'm eating breakfast and/or lunch at work - or wherever - , I can use the app on my phone to track my points. That was the biggest problem before, remembering to come home at night and put in all of my points for the day. I am LOVING being able to use the WW App on my phone to add my points to my tracker while I'm eating my lunch at work.

I want to blog weekly about my progress. I really think it will help keep me even more accountable. I really need to put things in place for myself to make sure I don't stray from the plan too much. I've never been able to commit to any kind of weight loss plan for longer than a month or so. I owe it to myself to do better than that! 

My regular post day will be Thursdays, but I'm 2 weeks behind so I thought I'd do a quick post now, and post again in a couple of days.

I am in my third week. My weigh in days are Thursdays, so I've weighed twice so far. This past Thursday, I was down FIVE POUNDS! I lost 4lbs in the first week, and 1 the second.


This week, I'm nervous that I'll have stayed the same, or possibly gained a few. I went WAY over my points this weekend - we had a birthday dinner for my dad at my parents' house. I knew that I would be going over, but figured it wouldn't be too bad. WW gives you a certain amount of "extra" points that you can use however you want - either spread them out over the week, or use them for a big splurge.


Uhh... FYI - Village Inn french silk pie has 22+ points...................... in case anyone was wondering.


I totally should have known better than to even take one single bite! Because once I did - there was no turning back.


I really need to work on this will power thing....

new years resolution, and my One Little Word.

Focus.

Experiencing this second loss, for whatever reason, really made me stop and think about my life. I haven't been paying enough attention to myself (or my husband, like I should be), and it took this miscarriage to make me realize that.

I had been working non-stop. My job requires me to work later into the evenings sometimes because I have to visit kids and foster families at home, and because it's the school year... that means going after 5:00pm when people are home from work, daycare, and school. I was finding it hard to "turn off" when I got home from work, often spending a few extra hours on my work laptop when I'd get home. Of course, I would stop for dinner, and kind of half-watch TV shows while I worked sometimes. We do have a lot of expectations, and a workload that is impossible to complete within a normal 40 hour work week... BUT, what I was doing was definitely excessive. I don't even think I was being that productive, it just felt like it because I had my laptop on my lap for the entire evening. 

Not only did that make me start to get burned out on work, but it also meant I wasn't doing anything I love or NEEDED to do/get done. I wasn't having as many quality conversations with my husband, cleaning wasn't getting done, laundry piled up, I stopped scrap booking, blogging,  and weeks went by where my camera didn't move from it's bag. It also meant that months went by (seriously) where I didn't go to the gym, AND I didn't take the time to care what I was eating. And don't even mention my shitty communication skills - my friends probably thought I fell off the face of the earth. Thank God for texting, twitter, and facebook, because without those three things, I don't think I would even have friends anymore since I haven't had time to see them.

The result? More pounds, less energy, more stress, a messy house and a bazillion unfinished projects.

Right about the time I started feeling like I needed to make a change, Kurt and I went out to dinner. I was telling him all about how much I loved my job, but that I kind of miss being paid hourly (we were hourly at my last agency), and that I think that if we somehow could switch from salary to hourly, I would feel a lot better about "shutting off". Sometimes, I think being salaried makes you feel like you are supposed to be working constantly.

And I am not kidding you - the next day at work, we got an email telling us that my position, along with several others, were being changed to hourly as of January 1st. CRAZY, right!?!? 

Anyway, this is too much of a coincidence to be a coincidence. I took this as a sign that I needed to start focusing on what is really important in life. On myself, my husband, our family, God, and what makes me happy and healthy. And yes... I will still have to focus on work :(. But I am going to have to learn how to balance. So, that's my New Year's Resolution - to focus on what's important. I am not sure how it will take shape just yet, but we'll find out.... and the result can only be a good one.

And obviously, in case you haven't figured it out, my One Little Word is {Focus}.

I plan to blog often about my progress, and what I'm doing to change my life for the better. Hopefully, this will lead to some more positive blogging, as opposed to the non-stop grief related posts from the last several months. Although, as always, there will be some of those too.

Ps: I actually didn't think I was going to participate in One Little Word. I have read about it before, but I've never done it. I wrote this post about focusing, and then realized that I had just accidentally chosen a word for myself. So... why not?  Maybe it will help me focus? You can learn about Ali Edwards' One Little Word course here.

defeat

Tomorrow, it will have been one month since the ultrasound appointment where we found out that there was no  heartbeat. 

Honestly? I feel pretty much completely normal. I am not sure if that's good or bad. The pregnancy started and ended so fast, it barely had time to register. I was really trying to hold off on getting too excited or thinking about baby stuff "just in case". I wasn't pregnant for long enough to get attached to that particular baby. I am grieving, but it's completely different this time. 

Right now, I'm just feeling defeated. I feel like I have no enthusiasm to try again. Obviously that means that now isn't the time to try again, and I'm hoping that feeling will go away eventually. But I think both of us are really wondering how much more we can handle. How many more bad things have to happen to us before we get to bring home a healthy baby? 

Trust me, I'm really not trying to throw a pity party - just being honest about my feelings. Actually, what I want to do is throw the complete opposite of a pity party. I am so sick of being the people that everyone has to feel sorry for. Even though we told the world SO early about this pregnancy, it was really nice to have a couple of weeks of "Congratulations!" before the, "so sorry for your loss" comments kicked back in again. I know some of you are probably thinking, "you probably shouldn't have broken the news so early". And maybe you're right. But at the time, all we were thinking was that we were so excited, and we didn't want to waste a single second. I honestly don't have any regrets. Yes - it was hard to tell everyone so fast that we miscarried - but it was nice to have the support, rather than having to keep it all inside. 

That's pretty much all I have to say about this right now. I'd like to start blogging about some positive things again.:)