Heaven is the Face of a Little Girl

For 99% of today, I was perfectly fine. In fact, my wedding dress came in on Saturday, so tonight my grandma and mom came with me to try it on. It was so perfect. We visited the cemetary so they could see Olivia's stone for the first time, and we had a really nice evening together.

After Kurt left for work, I was researching trips to Europe for our honeymoon. I wanted to compare prices, so I opened up the little drawer in our coffee table to see if there was anything in there that I could write on [because of course, I was too lazy to get my butt up off of the couch :)].  Inside the drawer, was something that I've seen every day for months. I usually just ignore it, but for some reason I thought tonight would be a good time to take it out. Kurt kept a journal during my pregnancy. Once we found out that we were having a girl, he started writing it to her. So essentially, it's a book of letters to Olivia.  It's been in the  coffee table drawer for the last six months. I had totally forgotten that he wrote one last letter to her after the funeral. I read that one, and just completely lost it here on the couch. Then, I read the rest of the entries that came before that.  This was about an hour ago, and I'm still sitting here. I cried through the whole thing, and laughed out loud at some of them, like when he said "Hi baby girl! how are you? trick question! you're doing well in your little bubble in mommy's tummy". I can just hear him saying that out loud, and probably laughing to himself while he wrote it.

I think I've gotten so caught up in my own grief, that at times I forget to even wonder about what he's feeling. Reading his journal was so bittersweet. It was such a sweet reminder of how much he loved her from the very beginning of my pregnancy.I think the hardest part was reading the last two entries together; the one he wrote when he ran home to pack me a hospital bag, and the one he wrote the night before her funeral. He was so happy the day she was born, and wrote that he knew she was going to grow into an amazing little girl... and that she would be our miracle baby.

He really is the best daddy that any little girl could ask for.
Thinking about how sweet he was to her in the hospital, and how awesome he would have been with her had we gotten to bring her home makes my heart hurt.

Oh man, guys. This song gets me every time. I hope my future children never want to watch Dumbo, because I don't know if I'll be able to make it through the movie because of this song. Just the title of the song sends me in to tears when I read it, but somehow I always end up listening to it anyway. And I love it so much.

Baby mine, don't you cry

Baby mine, dry your eyes

Rest your head close to my heart

Never to part, baby of mine

Little one when you play

Don't you mind what you say

Let those eyes sparkle and shine

Never a tear, baby of mine

If they knew sweet little you

They'd end up loving you too
All those same people who scold you

What they'd give just for

The right to hold you

From your head to your toes

You're not much, goodness knows

But you're so precious to me
Cute as can be, baby of mine

Six Months

Livie would be six months today.
I don't have a lot to say today, I just can't really find the words.
So, I thought I'd share a couple of the scrapbook pages that I've finished so far.

Dear Olivia,

Today, it has been six months since you were born, little girl.
Your great-grandma e-mailed today to let us know that she saw a tractor at your plot at the cemetary. That means that your gravestone is set, or it will be within the next few days. Not exactly the kind of present I'd imagined that you would get for your half-year birthday, but it's kind of nice that they are putting it in today.
Daddy and I had a really fun time the other night laughing about some of the funny things you did while you were in the hospital. I love that you are still bringing us so much joy.
We miss you so much, tiny love. I still can't believe you're gone.
Happy half-birthday Livie Bean!

Happy Mother's Day!

I was so dreading today. As I posted about before, I was terrified of being forgotten about and not recognized as a mother. Fortunately, I am surrounded by wonderful people who made sure that didn't happen. I actually ended up having a very nice day. I spent time with my family, and so many more people than I expected told me "happy mother's day" through facebook or text messages.

Last night, Kurt had to work so I went to my parents' house and spent time with my mom, dad, and sister. I decided to give my mom her gift then because I didn't know if I would be able to keep it together emotionally if we exchanged gifts at my Grandma's in front of family members. She and my dad gave me a beautiful card that made me cry, and a gift card to Barnes & Noble. :) I was not expecting to receive gifts, but it definitely made me feel good! We stayed up VERY late (Kurt worked until 3am and I stayed at their house almost the whole time) and did a lot of talking about Olivia. It was so nice.

This morning, Kurt told me "Happy Mother's Day" as soon as the alarm went off. It was really nice to hear that first thing in the morning. He gave me a card that he had written some very sweet words in. It was all I needed and more - he always knows exactly what to say.

We went to brunch (which was kind of disappointing for how expensive it was!) with his parents and sister. His mom had given us our Mother's Day/Father's Day present a few weeks ago...

Then, Kurt and I went to buy some flowers to take to the cemetary. While we were there, he told me to pick out a bouquet for myself. I picked yellow daisies with baby yellow roses for her, and hydrangeas with yellow daisies for me, so that they'd match.

Her gravemarker isn't in yet... but it should be within the next couple of weeks. I can't wait for it to be there, I'm getting so sick of the bare patch of grass. The purple things sticking up are Irises... my dad gave them to me to take to her, they're from my great-grandmother's garden. When she died, he transplanted them to my parents' backyard. Clearly, I didn't think about cutting them short enough to actually look good with the daisies, but oh well! Kurt found the pinwheels at target for $1.

It definitely seems backwards - taking flowers to your baby's grave on Mother's Day... but for some reason, I didn't let it upset me too much. Kurt felt upset because he had really been looking forward to making the day special for me with her. He told me the other day that he had been thinking of making me breakfast in bed this morning, but that he had wanted to do that with her and had thought of it many times while I was pregnant. He thought it would be too emotionally hard for him to do that today, and I agreed with him. Seeing him hurting almost hurts me more than when I'm hurting. If that makes sense.

After we left the cemetary, I went over to my Grandma's to spend some time with my Grandma, Mom, and Aunt Mary. They spend mothers day afternoon together every year, and it was very nice to be included this year. We ate chips and dip and chocolate and drank some wine :). It was a wonderful afternoon.
Also, my very sweet cousin sent me a card with a giftcard to Lowe's. She said that it's so I can pick out a perennial to plant in a special spot to remind me of Livie every year. I am so blessed to have such wonderful and thoughtful family and friends.

I wish Livie was here to "help" Kurt make me breakfast, and I wish I were able to sit here holding my almost 6-month old little girl instead of writing a post about my first Mother's Day without her... But I am so thankful that I am her mommy, and that I got to do the things that I did get to do with her. I spent three perfect days with her, and today I will choose to celebrate that.

International Babylost Mothers Day

Today, is "International Babylost Mother's Day".

And I'm thinking of all the women that I've become friends with over the past 5 months

that are walking on this journey with me.

Mothers' day..

Mothers' Day is coming up. That's pretty much all I have to say about that. I don't really know how to even put into words how I'm feeling right now. I'm nervous that I won't be recognized. I know that's not true... but I can't help being worried about it. I can't stop thinking about how last Mothers' day was just a few days after we found out that I was pregnant, and we hadn't told anyone yet. I told Kurt not to get me anything, because we would have so many years of Mothers' days to celebrate. I know that this year, he would have picked out something ridiculous and said that it was from Livie. I know for sure that he'll get me something this year, but it won't be the same.

Basically, It's just not fair.