Heaven is the Face of a Little Girl

For 99% of today, I was perfectly fine. In fact, my wedding dress came in on Saturday, so tonight my grandma and mom came with me to try it on. It was so perfect. We visited the cemetary so they could see Olivia's stone for the first time, and we had a really nice evening together.

After Kurt left for work, I was researching trips to Europe for our honeymoon. I wanted to compare prices, so I opened up the little drawer in our coffee table to see if there was anything in there that I could write on [because of course, I was too lazy to get my butt up off of the couch :)].  Inside the drawer, was something that I've seen every day for months. I usually just ignore it, but for some reason I thought tonight would be a good time to take it out. Kurt kept a journal during my pregnancy. Once we found out that we were having a girl, he started writing it to her. So essentially, it's a book of letters to Olivia.  It's been in the  coffee table drawer for the last six months. I had totally forgotten that he wrote one last letter to her after the funeral. I read that one, and just completely lost it here on the couch. Then, I read the rest of the entries that came before that.  This was about an hour ago, and I'm still sitting here. I cried through the whole thing, and laughed out loud at some of them, like when he said "Hi baby girl! how are you? trick question! you're doing well in your little bubble in mommy's tummy". I can just hear him saying that out loud, and probably laughing to himself while he wrote it.

I think I've gotten so caught up in my own grief, that at times I forget to even wonder about what he's feeling. Reading his journal was so bittersweet. It was such a sweet reminder of how much he loved her from the very beginning of my pregnancy.I think the hardest part was reading the last two entries together; the one he wrote when he ran home to pack me a hospital bag, and the one he wrote the night before her funeral. He was so happy the day she was born, and wrote that he knew she was going to grow into an amazing little girl... and that she would be our miracle baby.

He really is the best daddy that any little girl could ask for.
Thinking about how sweet he was to her in the hospital, and how awesome he would have been with her had we gotten to bring her home makes my heart hurt.