Happy Birthday??

My birthday was two weeks ago, on the 19th.

And it was rough. At least the morning was.

I didn't expect for it to be, but it really, really was. I didn't tell anyone though. It was Kurt's mom's birthday as well (weird, right?), and we had a friend staying with us for the college world series. So for the most part, I just sucked it up... but I definitely didn't feel like celebrating anything.

Since Kurt had to work that night, he needed to sleep in so that he'd be able to stay up all night at work without dying. Because of that, I headed to the cemetary by myself.  I'd never gone alone before, and I was kind of looking forward to it. Usually, we go together and stand there for a few minutes... and then we arrange her flowers, and then we leave.
I stopped at the grocery store and picked up some snapdragons and carnations. I blasted my "funeral cd" (I know, I need to think of a better name for it, but it's the music we played at Olivia's service) on my way down there. Since I can't listen to it without crying, I usually don't listen to it while I'm driving.... because usually if I'm driving, I'm on my way somewhere and don't want to look like an emotional wreck. 
Even though it makes me cry, the lyrics to the songs (Glory Baby and Homesick) resonate so deeply with me, and make me feel so good. Everyone has those songs - the ones that the minute you listen to them, you feel like they were written just for you, and even though they're not, at the very least you can feel like whoever wrote the song completely understands your pain. That's what those two songs do for me. Actually, I have several like that, but the CD in my car only has two songs in it.

Anyway, I cried and cried on my way to the cemetary, and then sat in front of Olivia's grave marker and cried even more. A lot more. And it felt so good. The cemetary was completely empty, and it felt nice to be there by myself and feel like I could just let go.

I took my camera along with me, and while I was sitting there taking pictures of the flowers I brought, I remembered the picture of Olivia that I keep on the dash in my car. Speaking of which, I should probably print out a new one soon because the one I have is getting a little bit faded/discolored). I decided to go get it, and take some pictures with it in her flowers. I know that sounds super morbid probably, but it was honestly so therapeutic and I love the way they turned out.

It's really just not fair, you know? No mother should ever have to go visit her own daughter at the cemetary on her own birthday. I hate saying "it's not fair" about anything, because I know that life isn't fair, and I don't like to sound like a three year old throwing a temper tantrum... but really, it's not fair, and there's no other way to put it. It's just. not. fair.

The rest of the day was better than I expected it to be. I left the cemetary feeling so much better, and I know that if I hadn't gone there that I would have been a mess for the rest of the day. We had lunch with my parents and sister at Wheatfields, and then went to the UCLA/Florida game at Rosenblatt.

After Kurt went to work, I went to my friend Dana's house. We talk on the phone often and she manages the tanning place I go to so I see her when I stop in, but its been a long time since we actually got together. We sat on the deck, talked and drank wine until VERY late, and had a great time. I really think it was just what I needed. Also, her fiance, who I haven't seen since before Olivia passed away, acknowledged our loss almost right away (fyi, if you're friends with someone who has suffered a loss, that's the way it should be handled -- DON'T act like things are the way they used to be, because they're not) and told me how sorry he was for not being able to make it to her funeral. I was also excited to see that they still keep the memorial card with Olivia's picture on it on their fridge. It makes me feel good that there are other people who still look at her picture everyday. I am so thankful to have such good friends.