Within the next few weeks the weather will start getting cooler and the humidity will fade away, football season will officially begin. Vala's Pumpkin Patch will open for the season and stores will be filled with Halloween and Thanksgiving decorations, we'll break out the sweatshirts and jeans.
It's always been my favorite season. I love going to the pumpkin patch and the Applejack Festival in Nebraska City. I also love that Christmas {my favorite holiday... if only it were during the fall instead of winter, it would be perfect} is just around the corner.
But this year, I'm a little bit nervous for fall to officially roll around. Because last year, fall was the season of Olivia. The fall months were when we found out we were having a girl, and could finally call her Olivia, instead of "the baby". I was really pregnant - really showing. Both of my baby showers were in the fall. Kurt and I moved into our new 2 bedroom apartment in the fall, and really started putting things together and getting ready for our new little bundle of joy who was supposed to arrive a few days after Christmas.
And then of course, she was born during the fall.
All of the things I listed above - the things that I have always loved about the fall season, are the things that remind me of her the most. I was pregnant last halloween - Livie and I dressed up like a mouse, and because I was too exhausted to go to any parties, we trick-or-treated at our parents' houses. When we carved pumpkins, Kurt and I each carved big ones for ourselves, and then we picked out and carved a tiny round one for Olivia. We talked about how we would have to do three pumpkins every year from now on. One of my baby showers was sort of fall themed, with pumpkin cake and apple cider. We went to the pumpkin patch and the Applejack Festival together we were extra conscious of how many young families we saw pushing little girls in strollers. We did so much talking about how we couldn't wait to bring her to both places this year.
And then she arrived. And then we lost her. And I'm having a hard time figuring out how I'm supposed to see and do all of these fall things without associating ALL of them with how I was feeling at that time last year.
Especially Thanksgiving. Last year, Thanksgiving was the day before Olivia's funeral. I know it's still 3 months away, but I'm really not quite sure how I will handle that day.
Also, our wedding is on November 13th, exactly one week before Livie's first birthday.
I would like to ask if you all wouldn't mind keeping Kurt and I and our family in your prayers this fall, as we figure out how to celebrate one of the best days of our lives (our wedding), and the anniversary of the absolute worst month of our lives, all at the same time. It's going to take a lot of emotional strength for both of us to handle it, and I think we could both use as much support as we can get.
Very, very much missing my girl today.
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6 comments:
Betsy, you are always in my prayers. I will add some extra ones the next few months.
Fall is also my favorite season and I'm having similar struggles.
Fall brings back so much heartache for me too....October and Halloween, especially. Thinking of you and sending prayers your way.
What Maggie said. I think of your family every day and will especially do so during the fall.
I'm sure the fall will be a bittersweet time for you.
((Big Hugs)) You will be in my thoughts and prayers...especially this fall.
I love you, my Heaven's to Betsy!
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