illuminate, week #2

The focus of this week's illuminate assignments is "light". As soon as I read the assignment, I thought of a beautiful song that my friend Meredith shared with me a couple of months ago. I'm sure some of you have heard it by now, Christian radio stations play it pretty frequently. She sent the link to the music video to me in a Facebook message, and said that the Livie had been on her heart recently, and that when she heard this song she thought of us. It's sung by Addison Road, whose song "Hope Now" really helped me get through some dark months.

This Little Light, by Addison Road

There's a little flame inside us all

Some shine bright, some shine small
The rains will come and the waters rise
But don't you ever lose your light
In this life you will know
Love and pain, joy and sorrow
So when it hurts, when times get hard
Don't forget whose child you are

This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine
This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine, gonna let it shine

May you live each day with no regret
Make the most of every chance you get
Let your eyes get wide when you look at the stars
With the same sense of wonder as a child's heart

With the ones you love treasure the time
And for those who are gone keep their memories alive
Hold on to your dreams don't ever let go
There's a fire inside you burning with hope

This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine
This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine, gonna let it shine

There will be days when you want to give up
When the clouds settle in
But after the rain comes the sun
Don't you ever forget

One day there will be no more pain
And we will finally see Jesus' face
So until then I'm gonna try
To brave the dark and let my little light shine

This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine
This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine, gonna let it shine

There's a little light inside us all

When thinking about life in terms of light... the several months after Olivia's death were extremely dark. And I'm not just talking about my mood. First of all, it was winter, which meant the days were usually dark and dreary anyway. But, because Kurt worked nights and slept during the day, and I was off of school and work on "maternity leave", I slept during the day, also. I basically was only awake during the night. If I was awake during the daytime hours, I kept the blinds closed if at all possible. I was depressed almost all of the time and rarely happy. It felt comfortable to be in a dark cloud all the time. I felt out of my element and un-natural if I had to go somewhere and put on a happy, smiley face. It was never genuine, and I couldn't wait to go back to our apartment, crawl back onto the couch with my blanket, and turn on the TV.

At some point though, things changed. I don't remember what it was that made me start thinking about things differently, or how long it took me, but I'm proud of myself for getting to this place.

Now, I refuse to live in a world filled with nothing but darkness. When we wake up in the morning, the first thing I do is open the blinds and let in as much sunlight as possible - literally and figuratively. Even though I may have really needed those couple of "dark" months to grieve and heal, I don't want to waste any more of the life that I was given. Losing Livie forced me to learn that nothing in life is a guarantee, and that I'm here for a reason. I know that my reason for living is not to stay hibernating in a dark apartment with the shades drawn.

Even though those months surrounding her death were the darkest days of my life, I know that she is the light who brightens up my world.

"And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light that shines on me - shine until tomorrow, let it be" - The Beatles

"Truly, it is in the darkness that one finds the light... so when we are in sorrow, then this light is nearest of all to us" - Meister Eckhart

"I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness, for it shows me the stars" - Og Mandino

"There is a light that shines beyond all things on earth, beyond the highest, the very highest heavens. This is the light that shines in your heart" - Chandogya Upandishad