missing out

Will I ever be able to fully enjoy something again?
That's the question that I've been asking myself over the past few days.

This weekend, one of my best friends in the entire world got married. I was honored to be a bridesmaid, and watch her and her beyond amazing husband exchange their vows. Overall, it was probably one of the best weekends EVER. Kurt and I spent the weekend in Grand Island So that we could be there for the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner on friday night, the wedding on saturday, and brunch on sunday morning. Most of us in the wedding party were roommates in college or lived across the hall from eachother, so it felt like a little reunion. We had an AMAZING time catching up.

But even though it was a busy, busy weekend, with little time to sit and think, Olivia was always in the back of my mind, and I'm sure she was in the back of Kurt's as well. When Cate was planning her wedding, I was pregnant. Kurt and I had talked about how this would more than likely be the first time we left her with one of her sets of grandparents over night. It was supposed to be our first little "getaway". I couldn't help but think, as we were driving down there, that this wasn't how it was supposed to be. Those who know me know that I really, really try not to dwell on the "what ifs" or "should be's"... because it doesn't get you anywhere - she's not coming back. But, as my fellow baby-loss mamas know, there are times when it's just impossible.

Catelyn had three flower girls, and the littlest one was a sweet 4 year old named Mckenna. During the rehearsal, the priest told the girls to find a bridesmaid to be their buddy, so they'd have someone to stand next to during the ceremony. Kenna ran right to me, and held my hand during the rehearsal. As soon as I realized she was running to me, and not one of the other girls, I felt my heart do a summersault. She had dark hair and eyes, which is exactly what I think Livie would have had. I just kept thinking "I bet she would have been sweet and adorable, just like this".  

At the wedding reception, the DJ played a slow song as the last song of the evening. All of the couples were dancing. While I was dancing with Kurt, I saw Kenna's parents slow dancing together, while her dad was holding her, asleep on his shoulder. Even though I knew that if Olivia had lived, we wouldn't have brought her to Cate and Bill's wedding, it's still hard to see young parents doing something sweet with an adorable little girl , that we won't ever get to do... at least not with this baby. How could that not stir up sad feelings?

It's not that I don't want to think about Olivia anymore - she's a part of my life and I want to think about her everyday... I just sort of miss being able to go places and do things with a carefree attitude, with  nothing to worry about because my life was easy. It's just frustrating. Does anyone else feel the same way? I would love to hear that I'm not the only one that can't leave my house without wondering if I'm going to encounter something/someone upsetting while I'm out.

Happy Birthday??

My birthday was two weeks ago, on the 19th.

And it was rough. At least the morning was.

I didn't expect for it to be, but it really, really was. I didn't tell anyone though. It was Kurt's mom's birthday as well (weird, right?), and we had a friend staying with us for the college world series. So for the most part, I just sucked it up... but I definitely didn't feel like celebrating anything.

Since Kurt had to work that night, he needed to sleep in so that he'd be able to stay up all night at work without dying. Because of that, I headed to the cemetary by myself.  I'd never gone alone before, and I was kind of looking forward to it. Usually, we go together and stand there for a few minutes... and then we arrange her flowers, and then we leave.
I stopped at the grocery store and picked up some snapdragons and carnations. I blasted my "funeral cd" (I know, I need to think of a better name for it, but it's the music we played at Olivia's service) on my way down there. Since I can't listen to it without crying, I usually don't listen to it while I'm driving.... because usually if I'm driving, I'm on my way somewhere and don't want to look like an emotional wreck. 
Even though it makes me cry, the lyrics to the songs (Glory Baby and Homesick) resonate so deeply with me, and make me feel so good. Everyone has those songs - the ones that the minute you listen to them, you feel like they were written just for you, and even though they're not, at the very least you can feel like whoever wrote the song completely understands your pain. That's what those two songs do for me. Actually, I have several like that, but the CD in my car only has two songs in it.

Anyway, I cried and cried on my way to the cemetary, and then sat in front of Olivia's grave marker and cried even more. A lot more. And it felt so good. The cemetary was completely empty, and it felt nice to be there by myself and feel like I could just let go.

I took my camera along with me, and while I was sitting there taking pictures of the flowers I brought, I remembered the picture of Olivia that I keep on the dash in my car. Speaking of which, I should probably print out a new one soon because the one I have is getting a little bit faded/discolored). I decided to go get it, and take some pictures with it in her flowers. I know that sounds super morbid probably, but it was honestly so therapeutic and I love the way they turned out.

It's really just not fair, you know? No mother should ever have to go visit her own daughter at the cemetary on her own birthday. I hate saying "it's not fair" about anything, because I know that life isn't fair, and I don't like to sound like a three year old throwing a temper tantrum... but really, it's not fair, and there's no other way to put it. It's just. not. fair.

The rest of the day was better than I expected it to be. I left the cemetary feeling so much better, and I know that if I hadn't gone there that I would have been a mess for the rest of the day. We had lunch with my parents and sister at Wheatfields, and then went to the UCLA/Florida game at Rosenblatt.

After Kurt went to work, I went to my friend Dana's house. We talk on the phone often and she manages the tanning place I go to so I see her when I stop in, but its been a long time since we actually got together. We sat on the deck, talked and drank wine until VERY late, and had a great time. I really think it was just what I needed. Also, her fiance, who I haven't seen since before Olivia passed away, acknowledged our loss almost right away (fyi, if you're friends with someone who has suffered a loss, that's the way it should be handled -- DON'T act like things are the way they used to be, because they're not) and told me how sorry he was for not being able to make it to her funeral. I was also excited to see that they still keep the memorial card with Olivia's picture on it on their fridge. It makes me feel good that there are other people who still look at her picture everyday. I am so thankful to have such good friends.

Blogging day of silence for Cohen

Please click here to read Cohen's story.

California

We have been SO busy this summer - I keep thinking of things that I want to blog about but I never seem to have a long enough stretch of time to devote to sitting in front of the computer.

Here are a few of my favorite pictures from our California trip - since I never got around to posting them when I said I would!

@ Joe's Crabshack in Pacific Beach

In front of our hotel with Taylor and Brit

Kurt with Clint Eastwood's handprints

And, Kurt at the beach in Santa Monica

This was the first vacation I've ever been on where we didn't travel to visit anyone, and we got to be in charge of the plans. Usually, I'm with my parents and they have things all planned out, or last time I went to CA it was to help Kurt move so there wasn't time for very much. We went to one beach or another pretty much every day, did some sightseeing in Hollywood, visited sea world, and spent time with some very good friends in San Diego. The weather was perfect. It was a wonderful trip, and after the year we've had, a much needed vacation.

In Hollywood, Kurt bought this little License plate for Olivia. I thought it was so sweet of him to point it out, and ask me if I thought we should buy it for her. I love when I can tell that he's thinking about her too. I know she was with us everywhere we went.
(Sorry for the low quality, it was taken with my phone in our dim hotel room)

More later!

dragonflies

This is such a cool story, and I feel like I just have to share it with you guys today.

Shortly after we lost Olivia, I received a sympathy card in the mail from one of the girls at work.  The card had a dragonfly on the front, and in it she wrote me a sweet note, explaining the waterbug/dragonfly story. I had never heard it before, so I got out my computer and googled it.

In short, two waterbugs are swimming in a pool. One of the waterbugs climbs up a lily stalk, and promises to come back and tell the other one what it's like up above. What the little bugs don't know, is that once you leave the water, you turn into a dragonfly and can't return. Even if the dragonfly could return to the colony of waterbugs, they wouldn't recognize her in her new body. The dragonfly realizes that she has transformed, and lives happily flying around with her new wings, knowing that her family will understand someday when they, too become dragonflies. It's kind of cheesy depending on which version of it you read, but I still think it's a sweet way to explain a baby who leaves its parents to go to heaven, and gets her (or his) angel wings, instead of being able to come back to her (or his) family.

The link to the story is here.

Anyway, I shared the story with my mom, and so did a friend of hers who lost her son this winter. My mom and dad's first daughter, Katie, was stillborn in April of 1986 when my mom was about 37 weeks pregnant.  I was born just a little over a year later. Our loss of Olivia was especially hard on my mom because while she's been grieving the loss of her first grandchild and having to watch Kurt and I go through so much pain, it's also brought back a lot of the feelings and memories from when they lost Katie.

On Memorial Day, my mom and sister went to the cemetary in Iowa where Katie is buried.  Originally, I had thought about placing Olivia next to Katie, but the cemetary is an extremely old one and there aren't any plots left. Anyway, mom loves the dragonfly story and we have talked about it more than once.

Mom was having a particularly tough time that day - she told me that she did a LOT of crying at the cemetary. While she was sitting there, she saw a dragonfly flying around a short distance away. She said it immediately made her feel a little bit better, and she was just excited to see it flying around.

Then, she and my sister watched it make circles above Katie's grave. It landed in the blade of grass that was exactly above the center of her gravestone, so that when it landed, the blade of grass bent forward and he was directly above her marker. After that, he landed on the stand for the wreath that they were about to place on her grave.

I don't know if ya'll believe in signs, but our family definitely  does. Mom said she was already crying, but then when the dragonfly came along she knew it was a sign from Katie to help her feel better. It made her cry more, but in a happy way... She texted me the short version of this story while we were in San Diego, and I could tell how excited she was about it.

I love this story - mostly because I really, honestly believe that my sister was sending my mom something to comfort her, but also because it's been 24 years since Katie passed away, and my mom still loves her just as much and cries for her the same way she used to. She doesn't cry or get upset very often - but she still does. One of the biggest fears I have (and one that I know a lot of my fellow infant loss mamas worry about too), is that I will someday have more children and that they'll take over Olivia's place in our family unintentionally... or that I won't remember her the way I do now. Talking with my mom about Katie always helps reassure me that that won't happen.

Abbie's Graduation

My little sister graduated from high school last saturday! She has grown into such an amazing person and I can't wait to see the amazing things that she'll do with her life. We are so proud of her!

Congratulations Abbie!

Marker

Kurt and I left for San Diego the day before Memorial Day (I'll post about the trip later!), so we visited the cemetary on Saturday to take Olivia some flowers. Both of our families visited her on Memorial Day, and when my sister texted me a picture (I forgot to save it!), it looked so beautiful. SO many flowers for one little girl.

I am so glad her marker is finally in. We ordered it in the beginning of February. They drew up what it was going to look like, and mailed a sketch of it to us so that we could approve the spelling. At the bottom, where it says "too beautiful", they had written "to beautiful". So needless to say, we had to mail them back a corrected version and that pushed things back a bit. I called them about a month ago to ask if we would get a phone call when her marker would be placed, and they said yes. A little over a week ago, Kurt went for a motorcycle ride and stopped by the cemetary... and when he got home, he told me it was in. I think it was a Friday evening so I thought I would give them the benefit of the doubt and thought maybe they would call on Monday. It's been a while now, and still no phone call. I'm just glad we go often enough that we caught it ourselves. I think I would have been a nervous wreck if one of our parents had gone to take flowers for Memorial Day and called us while we were on vacation to tell us it was there. I really wanted us to be the first to see it, and I'm so happy we were. I think it's perfect, and I love the little angel holding the lamb.

Anyway, I realized I hadn't posted a picture of her marker to the blog yet, so here's a picture of it from last saturday. As you can see from the flags and red white and blue pinwheels, her Marine daddy wanted her spot to be very patriotic for Memorial Day!