Wednesday, July 14, 2010

missing out

Will I ever be able to fully enjoy something again?
That's the question that I've been asking myself over the past few days.

This weekend, one of my best friends in the entire world got married. I was honored to be a bridesmaid, and watch her and her beyond amazing husband exchange their vows. Overall, it was probably one of the best weekends EVER. Kurt and I spent the weekend in Grand Island So that we could be there for the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner on friday night, the wedding on saturday, and brunch on sunday morning. Most of us in the wedding party were roommates in college or lived across the hall from eachother, so it felt like a little reunion. We had an AMAZING time catching up.

But even though it was a busy, busy weekend, with little time to sit and think, Olivia was always in the back of my mind, and I'm sure she was in the back of Kurt's as well. When Cate was planning her wedding, I was pregnant. Kurt and I had talked about how this would more than likely be the first time we left her with one of her sets of grandparents over night. It was supposed to be our first little "getaway". I couldn't help but think, as we were driving down there, that this wasn't how it was supposed to be. Those who know me know that I really, really try not to dwell on the "what ifs" or "should be's"... because it doesn't get you anywhere - she's not coming back. But, as my fellow baby-loss mamas know, there are times when it's just impossible.

Catelyn had three flower girls, and the littlest one was a sweet 4 year old named Mckenna. During the rehearsal, the priest told the girls to find a bridesmaid to be their buddy, so they'd have someone to stand next to during the ceremony. Kenna ran right to me, and held my hand during the rehearsal. As soon as I realized she was running to me, and not one of the other girls, I felt my heart do a summersault. She had dark hair and eyes, which is exactly what I think Livie would have had. I just kept thinking "I bet she would have been sweet and adorable, just like this".  

At the wedding reception, the DJ played a slow song as the last song of the evening. All of the couples were dancing. While I was dancing with Kurt, I saw Kenna's parents slow dancing together, while her dad was holding her, asleep on his shoulder. Even though I knew that if Olivia had lived, we wouldn't have brought her to Cate and Bill's wedding, it's still hard to see young parents doing something sweet with an adorable little girl , that we won't ever get to do... at least not with this baby. How could that not stir up sad feelings?

It's not that I don't want to think about Olivia anymore - she's a part of my life and I want to think about her everyday... I just sort of miss being able to go places and do things with a carefree attitude, with  nothing to worry about because my life was easy. It's just frustrating. Does anyone else feel the same way? I would love to hear that I'm not the only one that can't leave my house without wondering if I'm going to encounter something/someone upsetting while I'm out.

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The McNeil Family said...

Sweet Betsy, you are not alone. I had this same conversation with some friends last night. I know that when I got pregnant with our daughter, my whole view of my life changed... though I didn't realize it until she was gone. Now it's the small things, not even related to anything baby or child, that will trigger reminders. Brushing my teeth, folding clothes, cooking dinner. It's all the "I should be doing this right now", "We shouldn't be planning for this". It's especially hard, like you said, to see young parents doing things with their small children. They are doing things we should be looking forward to. Life's events have a new meaning now. It's our "new normal". Just going to the grocery store makes me nervous. Or even a gas station to get gas. Shoot, just walking the neighborhood is a guarantee to see a mom or dad out with their child(ren). Ugh. You are not alone, sweetie. We know that feeling.

Mere loves you!!

Maggie said...

oh sweetie, you are so not alone. We recently went to OH for a wedding. I had the exact same thoughts. Instead of staying with grandparents, Aidan was going to stay with my bff's parents. We sat at the ceremony thinking that we were supposed to be worrying if Aidan was being a good boy. At the reception I looked at Chris and said "I'm never going to dance with Aidan at his wedding."

I don't have those types of thoughts often. Like you I think about what is more than what should have been. He is always on my mind, but not so much the should be's.

Stephanie said...

You are not alone at all! I kind of wrote about it this past weekend, heading to a festival we go to every year. Walking up and down the isles of crafts I was always thinking about the things i'd buy for Aurora. Watching the other mothers pushing their LO in their strollers... and all of the tiny babies all happened to be girls!! This festival was always a fun thing, and this year Aurora was always on my mind.

I hate the should be's! I try not to think of them, but it's so hard not to.

Anonymous said...

Sorry Betsy, thinking of you. I can't relate to how your feeling, but Livie would be so proud of you and Kurt, no matter what kind of attitude you have. And she was resting on your shoulder while you were dancing, just in a different way :) But I know it's not the same for you! Love and prayers

Anonymous said...

Betsy-I think the reason that I love reading your blog is that you are so honest. Thanks for sharing your heart. I'm looking forward to seeing you when school starts!

Phil 4:4 "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!"

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