October Challenge: Days 13, 14 & 15

Day 13 - A fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.
Day 14 - a non-fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss

To be honest, I haven't read a lot of fiction over the past 11 months!
I am a full time student, which means that most of the time I'm reading social work text books, or 20 page articles related to social work practice... and now that my practicum is at an adoption agency, the last 5 to 7 books that I've read have been adoption related.

I did read "Same Kind of Different As Me" by Ron Hall and Denver Moore, which was amazing... but also non-fiction!  I tried to read the Twilight books when they became so popular, but I read the first ten pages or so of the first book and then for whatever reason just never went back to it. Reading is one of my favorite things in the world, and I am DEFINITELY looking forward to winter break so that I can have break from text book reading and get caught up on some books that I've been waiting to read for myself. Our bookshelf is completely full, and I think half of the books on it are ones that I bought on Amazon or at B&N and just never had time to get to.

The best (and maybe only?) fictional book that I've read in the last 11 months is The Help, and you can click HERE to read the post I wrote earlier this year about why I felt like the book was a gentle reminder that Livie is always with us. It was totally unexpected and basically knocked the wind out of me.

Day 15 - What you like about your house.
Well, we don't live in our own house. For now, we live in Kurt's parents' basement. It has been such a blessing. His parents have done so much for us and it is such an amazing feeling to be able to pay off some bills and save money, without having to worry about rent and utilities. My favorite part of our house is definitely our basement. Before we moved in, we re-painted everything, put in new tile in the bathroom and carpet in the rest of the basement. It's a bigger living space than we had at our apartment. It's wonderful. However, we are definitely looking forward to having our own home sometime in the hopefully near future.

Day 12

Day 12 - Something you are OCD about.

I am actually not OCD about anything. Other than my e-mail and sometimes facebook, there's nothing that I have to check a million times a day or anything that I have to do perfectly. I am so far from a perfectionist, it's not even funny! Actually... in my head I'm a perfectionist... but it just doesn't manifest itself into my real life. :)

That's pretty much all there is to say today. I knew I didn't have an awesome answer for Day 12, but I didn't want to skip the day. :)

Day 11

Day 11 - A photo of you taken recently, and how it makes you feel seeing it now.

This is Kurt and I at a few weeks ago when we went to a football game at our old high school.  It makes me feel... normal? I don't know. just happy that we're able to still have a good relationship after everything that we've been through over the past year.

Day 9 & 10.

Day 9 - A Photo you took since your loss.

I don't remember if I've posted this picture here or not... but seriously, can you GET any cuter!? This is Jack, after we went swimming at the Lake and then had to hose the doggies off in the backyard afterwards because they got so muddy. He looks so pitiful!

Day 10 - A picture of you taken at least 10 years ago, and how it makes you feel seeing it now?

I picked this picture just because its one of the very few old pictures of myself that I have scanned into my computer, and because it's seasonally appropriate now that it's October! It's definitely about 22 years old. Every baby picture of myself makes me wonder what she would have looked like at this age. Except, I know she wouldn't really look like me, because she looked exactly like Kurt's side of the family when she was born. This was the clown costume my mom made me for my first Halloween - I'm pretty sure it was just polka dot jammies, a red nose, and a polka dot party hat! haha!

October Challenge

October Challenge

This month, several mamas who are a part of this "club" are doing a 30 day blog challenge - answering one question each day that is somehow related to their loss. I've decided to join in, even though I'm about 8 days late! Here are my first 8 days....
PS: Sorry for the insanely long post. :)

Day 1 - A song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore, and why?

There are lots of these songs. There aren't really any that I can't listen to anymore, but there are quite a few that make me really sad when I hear them. Sometimes it's sad in a good way. I've got an itunes playlist that I listen to when I want to feel close to her. Usually, I end up crying at some point so I don't listen to it on my ipod at the gym or when I'm with anyone. When Kurt was still working overnight shifts, I used to listen to it all the time. I think it really helped me through the grieving process (not that I'm done with it by any means), because the lyrics forced me to think about feelings that I was feeling... but not letting myself think about. I don't even know if that makes sense.
Here's the list...

What Faith Can Do, Kutless
Bring The Rain, MercyMe
Can Anybody Hear Me, Meredith Andrews
Held, Natalie Grant
In Better Hands, Natalie Grant
Safe, Phil Wickham,
I Will Carry You, Selah
Heaven is the Face, Steven Curtis Chapman
Beauty Will Rise, Steven Curtis Chapman
One More Day, Rocket Club
Glory Baby, Watermark
Homesick, Mercy Me
Somewhere Over the Rainbow, Faith Hill

The italicized ones are my favorite. The last 3 are the ones we played at Olivia's memorial service. Faith Hill's version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow was the perfect song for the slideshow of Olivia's pictures from the hospital... but I sometimes regret choosing it. There are about 50 bajillion different versions of that song, so it's played ALL the time. The Piano guy at Von Maur was even playing it when I went shopping for my rehearsal dinner dress.
So I guess if I had to pick ONE song that is really hard for me to listen to without breaking down, that would be it.

Day 2 - a movie that helped you get through the hard times, or one that jumps out at you after your loss.

There really isn't one movie. But, since she died right before Thanksgiving, Christmas movies started playing on TV constantly on the day of her funeral (the day after Thanksgiving). I watched hours upon hours of made for TV Christmas movies. I never wanted to be alone in the quiet, and when Kurt would sleep during the afternoon to prepare for working overnight, I always kept the TV tuned to Lifetime or some other channel that required no brain activity to watch. I've always loved Christmas movies and can watch the same ones over and over again, so it was very comforting to me.
hopefully when they're on this year, it won't stir up the emotions that I was feeling last year during the Christmas season.

Day 3 - a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you.

Don't really have one of these, I guess. Hpwever, we did do a LOT of TV watching after Livie died and we didn't really feel like going anywhere or doing anything with anyone. But I don't think there was one specific show. Anything that made us laugh was good... Modern Family? Glee?

Day 4 - your favorite book. Has it changed since your loss?
Ohh my favorite book! This is a tough one.... because reading is one of my top 5 favorite things, and I've never really been able to narrow down a favorite.
I guess the answer to this question is that my ALL time favorite book - To Kill A Mockingbird - is still my favorite. I even tried to suggest using the name Harper for either a girl OR a boy when we were picking out baby names... Kurt didn't like that idea though.
I have some new favorites though... brought on by all of this.  By Christmas break last year, I had already spent weeks on the couch "recovering" and was sick of watching TV and not using my brain, so I finally decided to start reading again. For a while there I didn't even want to lift my arms up off the couch high enough to hold a book. My favorite one that I read during that time was "The Help". It's awesome, if you haven't read it... I totally recommend it. I posted about it back in February, Here

Another favorite, maybe one of my VERY favorite books ever, is I Will Carry You, by Angie Smith. I read on her blog just after Livie died that her book was available for pre-order. I ordered it right away, and was SO excited when it finally arrived in May. It was probably the most helpful book that I read. She articulates her feelings so well and doesn't sugarcoat anything. I could identify with almost every single word she wrote. It's very Christian focused so if that's not your thing, it's probably not the book for you... but if it is, TOTALLY pick it up.

Day 5 - your favorite quote.
I am planning a post of the best quotes and pieces of advice that have helped me throughout the past almost-year, but here are just a couple of my VERY favorites. And yes, some of them are bible verses.

We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
Romans 5:3-5

I will carry you

While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
...All your life
And I will praise the One whose chosen Me
To carry you
-- Angie Smith (From the Selah song, I Will Cary You)

"A Butterfly lies beside us
like a sunbeam
and for a brief moment,
its beauty and glory
belong to our world.
But then it flies on again.
And though we wish it could have stayed
we feel so lucky to have seen it."
--author unknown....

"And can it be that in a world so full and busy, the loss of one weak creature makes a void in any heart, so wide and deep that nothing but the width and depth of vast eternity can fill it up." - Charles Dickens


Day 6 - twenty things that calm you?
Spending quiet nights at home
Kurt
Starbucks (just iced coffee in general)
Reading (real reading, not reading for school - big difference!)
Reading with a glass of wine!
Scrapbooking
Painting... pretty much just anything that allows me to be creative
Thunderstorms
napping under a warm blanket on the couch in the afternoon
reading interior decorating blogs and scrapbooking blogs
snow! (as long as i'm not driving in it!)
Listening to good music
Everything about fall
church!
praying.
long talks on the phone with some of my greatest girlfriends.
Old movies - anything with Audrey Hepburn, Jimmy Stewart or Cary Grant
An afternoon with no homework, and nothing to do but any of the above activities
my two new little puppies... (when they're sleepy and snuggly, not running and rambunctious). and Buddy. And my parents' dog Lucy, of course :)
Spending time with family.

Day 7 - a picture that makes you happy
I had to pick more than one.
The first one makes me happy for obvious reasons. She's gorgeous.
The second one makes me happy just because I know we were so happy right at that moment, and it shows. I loved that uniform!
The third one... just makes me happy. It's a pink elephant that matched Olivia's nursery. When we got home from the hospital, Kurt put the little hat thing (no idea what they're really called) that they made him wear during my c-section on it. I never took it off!

Day 8 - A picture that makes you sad

Again, I couldn't pick just one. Looking at pictures of Kurt with Livie gets me every time. I also hate the way she looks in this picture. It is so upsetting to me that her face is so purple. Her color started changing SO fast after we removed her life support.

My Grandma 'Nore was so excited for her. Obviously, we all were, but she was going to be Grandma's first great grandchild and she loved her so much. The last one is us at her memorial service.

October.

I can't take credit for this. A friend of mine had this as their status on Facebook yesterday. I've been wanting to blog about this topic, and I really couldn't say it better than this. So I stole it. Sorry Maggs, hope you don't mind ;)

"October is an Awareness Month for a lot of things, breast cancer, domestic violence, down syndrome, infertility, and SIDS. It is also National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Each year, approximately a million pregnancies in the US end in miscarriage, stillbirth, or the death of the newborn child. Please help me speak out for those who can't, or are afraid to, and remember all babies lost this month".

October 15th, is National Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness Day!
Obviously, it's a day that's close to my heart, and although I hate more than anything that it has to exist, I am SO happy that there are folks out there who are trying to draw attention to this issue. It affects ONE THIRD of women in the United States. That's a LOT people! It's a big deal.

Take some time to check out I Am The Face to learn more about Oct 15th.

I hate that I'm one of the Faces. There's way, WAY too many of us.

By the way... for those of you here in the Nebraska/Omaha Metro Area,  there is a Candle light vigil at Heartland of America Park from 7-8 with a balloon release on October 15th. I will be unable to attend because I have a rehearsal dinner to go to for a wedding that I'm in that weekend, but I just wanted to pass the information along in case anyone else was interested!

a little gift.

I checked the mail quickly this afternoon when I stopped at home inbetween my internship at work. Today was a hard day - I was overtired to begin with and had a LOT of work to do, and was just kind of feeling run down.

I opened our mailbox and found a little package, addressed to me. Here's what was in it!

My sweet friend Meredith sent me this little placque - A quote from Cinderalla. She bought it for herself and posted about it on her blog (click here to check it out). I told her how much I loved it, and she sent me one as a surprise.

I met Meredith on a message board that I used to frequent a LOT shortly after I lost Olivia, and shortly after she lost her first little girl. She's one of the most amazing people that I've ever "met" (we've never met in person, but I'm hoping we'll get the chance to someday!), and she's been my saving grace that has helped me get through some especially hard days - she always knows just what to say.... or send :)

It was the perfect pick-me-up, just what I needed today. Thank you Mere!