Two Months Today..

Today, it's been two months since Livie died. I've been at work all day, so I haven't had too much time to allow it to really sink in, but I was having a hard time last night with some things.

I was looking through my digital camera at all of our pictures from the hospital, and I kept going backwards, to look at the last pictures that we took before everything happened. They were from Abigail's wedding, Halloween, and the night we went to see White Christmas at the Orpheum downtown. Olivia basically stopped growing that 32 weeks, which pretty much means that for most of those times, she was already sick. We are so happy in all of the pictures... smiling, laughing, dancing. I remember Abigail dancing with my stomach at her wedding, and I was so excited to be wearing a brand new maternity dress to the Orpheum, which I actually purchased to wear to another friend's wedding which happened to be the weekend of Olivia's funeral.
I have said many times that I'm so glad we didn't know that there was something wrong with her ahead of time. There would have been nothing they could do. If they had detected it that early, I probably would have had the c-section right then, and her lungs would have been even less developed... which means she might have passed away before they were able to get her to the NICU to put in a breathing tube. But at the same time, I kind of hate knowing that we were so happy, so oblivious to the fact that our little girl was suffering from a fatal viral infection. I like to believe that she couldn't feel any pain, but I've been told that they just don't know much about to what extent babies are hurting inside the womb. Poor little thing.

I also attempted to watch her funeral DVD last night. Apparently, I'm trying to torture myself? The funeral home recorded the service for us, and it's been in a stack of stuff in her bedroom ever since. I got about 5 minutes into it, the pastor hadn't even started talking yet, and I stopped it. I took it right out of my laptop, put it in its case and right back with the rest of her things in her bedroom. I don't know what posessed me to feel like I wanted to watch it... but I feel like it will be a LONG time before I'm ready to watch the whole thing... if ever.

On a happier note.. I finished Livie's shadow box last night! It's something that I've been excited about ever since I bought the box the day after her service. I'm pretty proud of the way it turned out. The other day, I saw that they still have the boxes at Michael's. Kurt and I decided to go back and buy a couple more, so that we can make similar ones for our future children, and maybe one for our wedding, and hang them together as a group.

The scrapbook is still a work in progress. I've only down a few pages; some belly pics and a page for each of my baby showers. I think I'm kind of procrastinating working on it, because it's my last "Olivia project". Working on things "for" her helps me feel close to her, and once it's finished I think I'll be upset... so I guess I'm just taking my time so that it's not over too quicky.

I really need to get myself in gear and get some freaking school work done. I still have a project to finish up from last semester - my human behavior teacher graciously let me take an incomplete in her class. There was no way I was up for doing an agency interview and writing a 12-13 page paper two weeks after Olivia died. Now I'm about halway through it, but since the new semester is now in full swing, I haven't been able to put as much work into my new classes. I'm hoping to get it finished over the rest of today/tonight and tomorrow. I still have some statistics things to turn in from last semseter, also. yuck.