Ups and downs

Those who told me that there will be ups and downs... were not joking! Honestly, I think I've mostly been having "ups". I've found that as long as I keep myself busy with projects, I feel close to Olivia and not so sad. Putting together the frames for the grandparents for Christmas, working on her scrapbook, writing in this blog, etc. I have an infant loss devotional book called Grieving the Child I Never Knew that I write in (or try to) once a day, sometimes more.I feel close to Olivia all the time... I honestly can say that she's always with me. Kurt and I also have been doing really well, I think, at trying to find positive things about our experience. For example, we were told that she could have been stillborn at any time - we got to have her alive for three days! She also brought us SO much closer together, helped us to build much stronger relationships with some friends that we've lost touch with, and stronger relationships with some family members too.


But last night, I definitely had a "down". Actually, I usually do cry once a day or so.. but it only lasts for a few minutes and it's usually triggered by a tv commercial or something I read or hear.  I was putting together some shelves for the living room while Kurt's at work, and to make room for them I needed to put away some Christmas things. We've been using one side of Livie's room to store plastic tubs full of Christmas stuff and wrapping paper until we can get to our outside storage thing (there's a ridiculously huge snow drift in front of it). I put the decorations away, and then started looking at Olivia's things. This isn't something new... I go in there once a day, if not multiple times. I actually make it a point to go in there as often as I can. I love to be around her things. But for some reason, tonight as different and it really hit me hard. I was looking inside of the little drawers in her closet because I couldn't remember what I put in them. I pulled out the USC football blanket that Kurt got for her, and I just burst into tears. I started thinking about how excited he was when he ordered her that football stuff (I think he got that blanket and some socks), and how much he talked about putting her in the Bronco's cheerleading uniform that we bought the day we found out she was a girl. I just feel so sad for him. He was so ready to spoil that little girl rotten. I didn't stand a chance - he would have made sure she was Daddy's little girl. It actually makes me laugh and cry at the same time when I think about it.
Then, I started thinking about how it's been six weeks since Livie was born. SIX. WEEKS. Sometimes it seems like it was just yesterday, and sometimes it seems like it was so long ago. I hate that it's been so long. I loved when I could think, "I held Olivia yesterday". The more days that pass by, the longer it will have been since we were with her in the NICU, and that is just not a comforting thought at all.
I also just kept thinking, "I should be in here because she's keeping me up and won't stop crying, not because I can't sleep because I'm missing her so much and can't stop crying"

That being said... I can't believe it's been 6 weeks and we've made it this far. I feel like I'm a very different person than I was before I had Olivia... even different than I was while I was pregnant with her. I am less quick to judge others and have gotten a lot closer to God throughout this time.


I slept with Livie's baby blankets and her little outfit last night, and woke up feeling a lot better. I hate the feeling I had last night - it is so painful that it feels like there's no way it will possibly get better. I just have to keep reminding myself that it's okay to grieve... in fact its unhealthy not to feel like that sometimes, and that there isn't any kind of rule about when I need to be "back to normal'. Back to normal will never happen - and I'm okay with that.