This year, more than any other, I have learned about myself. I didn't just "go with the flow" like I have for pretty much the rest of my life. I had to force myself to get through some very tough days. I wouldn't choose to go through the first year of the grieving process EVER again, but anyone who has had to go through it will tell you that it really helps you understand yourself better. You definitely learn what you're capable of, that's for sure.
Losing a child is one of those things that when people hear about it, they say, "Oh! How awful! I can't even imagine". I bet if you asked a group of people, especially parents or people who are of parenting age, to write down the #1 worst thing that they could imagine happening to themselves or their family, losing a child or a baby would be it. It's one of those things that before it happens to you, you think that if it did, you wouldn't be able to live through it.
But you do live through it, and there are definitely days that you feel like it takes every ounce of strength in your body to do so. But that process, that's what makes you learn what you're capable of. And like I said in one of the previous posts. We lost Olivia in 2009, but I feel like we didn't really start constructively grieving or moving forward until 2010. The end of 2009 consisted of me laying on the couch pretty much 24/7, only putting on something other than PJs other than on Christmas and for doctor's appointments.
When I think of "Wonder", I think of learning, curiosity, and stepping outside of the box.
So all of this to say, I forced myself out of my comfort zone.
I read countless books on grief and loss to try to understand my feelings. I reached out to other women who were/are in similar situations. I made some AMAZING new friends.
I also found myself in a place where I knew I needed some additional support... even though I have an amazing husband, friends, and family, I needed something more. I found myself turning to my faith. My parents did a great job of teaching me the basic things about Christianity growing up, but I never really got into it. This year, I found so much comfort and solace in Christ. Kurt and I started going to church whenever one of us wasn't working on Sunday, and doing a lot of reading at home. I haven't been able to devote as much time to it as I would like or as I know I should, but it has been so fulfilling.
And in January, I got THIS baby, and have been teaching myself how to use it all year. It feels like I've learned a lot, but I've got a LONG way to go. I'm excited about the challenge.
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