Saturday, January 21, 2012

defeat

Tomorrow, it will have been one month since the ultrasound appointment where we found out that there was no  heartbeat. 

Honestly? I feel pretty much completely normal. I am not sure if that's good or bad. The pregnancy started and ended so fast, it barely had time to register. I was really trying to hold off on getting too excited or thinking about baby stuff "just in case". I wasn't pregnant for long enough to get attached to that particular baby. I am grieving, but it's completely different this time. 

Right now, I'm just feeling defeated. I feel like I have no enthusiasm to try again. Obviously that means that now isn't the time to try again, and I'm hoping that feeling will go away eventually. But I think both of us are really wondering how much more we can handle. How many more bad things have to happen to us before we get to bring home a healthy baby? 

Trust me, I'm really not trying to throw a pity party - just being honest about my feelings. Actually, what I want to do is throw the complete opposite of a pity party. I am so sick of being the people that everyone has to feel sorry for. Even though we told the world SO early about this pregnancy, it was really nice to have a couple of weeks of "Congratulations!" before the, "so sorry for your loss" comments kicked back in again. I know some of you are probably thinking, "you probably shouldn't have broken the news so early". And maybe you're right. But at the time, all we were thinking was that we were so excited, and we didn't want to waste a single second. I honestly don't have any regrets. Yes - it was hard to tell everyone so fast that we miscarried - but it was nice to have the support, rather than having to keep it all inside. 

That's pretty much all I have to say about this right now. I'd like to start blogging about some positive things again.:)


6 comments:

Priscilla said...

Hugs! With all of our babies, we announced early, as we knew that no matter what, we wanted support. Whether that was support through a healthy and happy pregnancy or another loss, it didn't matter. I'm glad that you were able to enjoy the couple weeks of congrats before having to receive condolences. Those moments of such joy being shared are priceless in my opinion.

I hope tomorrow is a peaceful day for you.

M said...

((hugs))

Stephanie said...

{{hugs}}

Sarah said...

I'm so sorry you had to go through another loss. Hugs to you both.

Lia Larson said...

Hi Betsy,
I'm sorry to just be reading this now, and very sorry for your second loss. I'm not sure if you remember that I had the same thing happen to me last year. Like you, we opted to tell everyone (family) out of excitement very early on because we wanted some positive news to share and to enjoy the pregnancy with everyone longer. I know how heartbreaking it is. You WILL have your rainbow baby, I just know you will. Email me if ever you'd like to chat.
Lia

Holly said...

I think the grief would def be diff for an early miscarriage than being able to meet and hold your baby. I know both hurt though. I'm sure at some point you'll feel ready again.

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