Monday, January 23, 2012

new years resolution, and my One Little Word.


Experiencing this second loss, for whatever reason, really made me stop and think about my life. I haven't been paying enough attention to myself (or my husband, like I should be), and it took this miscarriage to make me realize that.

I had been working non-stop. My job requires me to work later into the evenings sometimes because I have to visit kids and foster families at home, and because it's the school year... that means going after 5:00pm when people are home from work, daycare, and school. I was finding it hard to "turn off" when I got home from work, often spending a few extra hours on my work laptop when I'd get home. Of course, I would stop for dinner, and kind of half-watch TV shows while I worked sometimes. We do have a lot of expectations, and a workload that is impossible to complete within a normal 40 hour work week... BUT, what I was doing was definitely excessive. I don't even think I was being that productive, it just felt like it because I had my laptop on my lap for the entire evening. 

Not only did that make me start to get burned out on work, but it also meant I wasn't doing anything I love or NEEDED to do/get done. I wasn't having as many quality conversations with my husband, cleaning wasn't getting done, laundry piled up, I stopped scrap booking, blogging,  and weeks went by where my camera didn't move from it's bag. It also meant that months went by (seriously) where I didn't go to the gym, AND I didn't take the time to care what I was eating. And don't even mention my shitty communication skills - my friends probably thought I fell off the face of the earth. Thank God for texting, twitter, and facebook, because without those three things, I don't think I would even have friends anymore since I haven't had time to see them.

The result? More pounds, less energy, more stress, a messy house and a bazillion unfinished projects.

Right about the time I started feeling like I needed to make a change, Kurt and I went out to dinner. I was telling him all about how much I loved my job, but that I kind of miss being paid hourly (we were hourly at my last agency), and that I think that if we somehow could switch from salary to hourly, I would feel a lot better about "shutting off". Sometimes, I think being salaried makes you feel like you are supposed to be working constantly.

And I am not kidding you - the next day at work, we got an email telling us that my position, along with several others, were being changed to hourly as of January 1st. CRAZY, right!?!? 

Anyway, this is too much of a coincidence to be a coincidence. I took this as a sign that I needed to start focusing on what is really important in life. On myself, my husband, our family, God, and what makes me happy and healthy. And yes... I will still have to focus on work :(. But I am going to have to learn how to balance. So, that's my New Year's Resolution - to focus on what's important. I am not sure how it will take shape just yet, but we'll find out.... and the result can only be a good one.
And obviously, in case you haven't figured it out, my One Little Word is {Focus}.

I plan to blog often about my progress, and what I'm doing to change my life for the better. Hopefully, this will lead to some more positive blogging, as opposed to the non-stop grief related posts from the last several months. Although, as always, there will be some of those too.

Ps: I actually didn't think I was going to participate in One Little Word. I have read about it before, but I've never done it. I wrote this post about focusing, and then realized that I had just accidentally chosen a word for myself. So... why not?  Maybe it will help me focus? You can learn about Ali Edwards' One Little Word course here.


Natasha said...

Betsy I've been praying for you ever since I heard about the miscarriage. I am so very sorry for your loss. It seems that losing one child would be enough hurt on one person but some how that is not the case for so many. Being in the multiple loss category is a scary thing....sigh.

I love your word for 2012. I think that sometimes lie forces us to redirect ourselves and focus on what really matters. Sounds like that's how things are going for you right now. I wish you lots of peace as you begin the new year with a new focus :)

Lots of love mama....xoxo

Holly said...

I think you picked a great word for you. And how awesome that God worked to change you to hourly! I think that'll def help with your focus

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