Tuesday, January 17, 2012

A very late, and not very happy update

As usual, here I am, apologizing for not keeping up to date with my blog. This time, I can say with complete honesty that I have been thinking about writing every day, just couldn't bring myself to do it.

I have officially become one of those women who falls into the "multiple losses" category. You would think that after losing Olivia, we would have learned to be a little bit less naive. I guess somehow, both of us just hoped that after going through such excruciating pain after her death... There's no way we would have to go through losing a baby again... Right? Wrong.

We found out on the morning after Thanksgiving that we were expects again. We made the decision after we lost Olivia to never waste a single second of a pregnancy, so we called and told our parents immediately. We were, of course, SO excited.

We went to the doctor almost right away. I wasn't sure if I needed to be seen faster than normal because of the "high riskiness" of this pregnancy. When I called and talked to the nurse, she made an appointment for us for the next week, which would put me at 5 weeks or so.

We went to that appointment, which was with the same OB that I had when I was pregnant with Olivia. We talked a lot about how things would go once I got further along. I would have had ultrasounds twice a month. One at her office, and one at the perinatologist's office. She also said that they would have tested around 37 weeks to make sure the baby's lungs were strong enough, and do the c-section then.

But at that appointment, when we talked about dates, she said that she thought it might be too early to see anything on the sonogram. She said that we had been through enough, and we were the right at the time period where we may be able to see the heartbeat, or we might not be able to see anything at all. The decision was left up to us, but she suggested that we come back in two weeks. Her concern was that we had seen enough "bad news" ultrasounds. And if we ended up seeing nothing, we would just have to come back in two weeks anyway to find out if there was really any cardiac activity.... Or not.

So. December 22nd, we went back for our ultrasound. Kurt was supposed to work, and I had asked my mom to go with me. The day before, he told me that he was going to call in to work, because he felt like he had to be there. I also had a gut feeling that he should be with me, and that I absolutely could not go alone (which is why I asked my mom to go).

When she said that there was no cardiac activity, I wasn't even surprised. It was like I somehow knew. But she kept telling us that she wasn't positive, and that she wasn't getting a very good view. She had us go upstairs to radiology to have another one done on the HUGE machine, rather than her little portable one on a cart. Her nurse took us upstairs, and then that ultrasound confirmed it. Baby was measuring 6w2d... Which is exactly how far along I thought I was based on the day we are 99% sure we conceived on.

My doctor's nurse came back up to get us, and asked us if we'd like to take the "back way" downstairs. I'm not sure why, but I said no, and we rode the elevator back down with a bunch of other people. My doctor wanted to see us before we left. She gave me a huge hug and then gave us our options. We could go home and just wait for my body to do its job on its own, or we could take the misoprostol right away. She also said that we could do nothing and come back in a week to see if anything had changed... But then said that there was no doubt in her mind, or the radiologist's that based on the measured size, cardiac activity should have been very obvious.

At first, I sid I'd like to go home and wait. Kurt jumped in - which he never does during appointments - and said that he didn't think that sounded liked the best idea, and asked if I was sure I wanted to put myself through that over Christmas. After we talked about it, I completely agreed, and we got the prescription. We filled it, and ate lunch at Subway together. The whole thing felt like a dream. Like it wasn't really happening. How could it be happening. To us. Again.

Don't get me wrong, I know lots of women who have had multiple losses. But I guess, just like i said above, I somehow talked myself into believing that losing Olivia was bad enough, and we had reached our maximum loss capacity.

It was the last day of work before we were off for the long Holiday weekend, so the first thing I did after taking Kurt home was get in the car and call my supervisor. She is awesome and super supportive, and knows Olivia's full story, and was one of the first people that I had told about this pregnancy. She knew that I had been at an appointment, and told me to just go home and rest, and not worry about anything work-wise. BUT I had Christmas presents for several foster kids in my back seat.. So I spent the next couple of hours delivering those.

Finally, I made it home at 5ish, and took the pill. Our friends Tony and Alicia came over and brought us dinner, which was nice and took our mind off of everything. I had ben told to expect unbelievable pain.. And I felt nothing. I took the second pill, and still felt nothing. I called the office the next afternoon, and was told that I was just going to have to wait it out. And that I should call on the 27th when they were open again. I spent all of Christmas weekend waiting for something to happen, but trying not to think about it. And nothing happened. I called on the 27th, and they scheduled me for a D&C for the 29th.

My doctor called me that morning and had me come in for one more ultrasound just to be on the safe side. Of course there was still nothing, and baby was measuring the same as it was on the 22nd. The procedure went very well, and I was feeling 100% normal (physically) by that evening.

Okay - I have made this post long enough! I am going to post again with more about how I'm feeling, but this is long enough for now.

As usual, I want to say thanks for all the wonderful support that we've gotten from the people who already know about this - where would we be without you guys?


m&msmommy said...

I am so sorry for your loss! I will be praying for you and your family

Aaron, Angie, Hailey, Lexi, and Jacob said...

I'm so sorry, Betsy & Kurt. I'll be praying for you and your whole family.

Anonymous said...

No words...just a hug for you.

Holly said...

I'm so sorry you have experienced another loss :(

M said...

I'm so sorry.

LauraJane said...

I'm sorry for a second loss. Having lost my son, I know this is one of your biggest fears realized. I hope things work out for you both, you know you make such a beautiful baby. :)

VivalaVida said...

Betsy, I'm so so sorry for your loss!! I can't even imagine having to go through it a second time. Praying for you and your loved ones <3

Shannon said...

I am so sorry to hear you guys are experiencing this again. I know it was no assurance to me and still isn't, but I firmly believe you will have your someday, miracle baby and I pray it's just around the corner. Hugs.

B. Wilson said...

I know multiple losses. I've been there, too. I also didn't expect to be the girl with multiple losses under my belt, but I am. And somehow I wasn't too surprised when they told me I'd be miscarrying either.

I'm sorry though. It's never easy or helpful to be down this road. Again. As if the grief we will always carry isn't enough of a load.

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