first therapy appointment today.

Today was a BUSY day!

This morning, I had my first appointment with my new therapist. We didn't do a whole lot of "work", since it was just the initial visit and she mostly just wanted to hear about Olivia and what's been going on since she passed away. She was great though, and made me feel comfortable right away. She told me that she thinks I've been handling things "beautifully" on my own. I really do feel like that's true... but it felt really good to hear an actual LMHP tell me that. I mostly wanted to see her because I wanted to make sure that I'm doing all the right things... that I'm heading in the right direction and demonstrating healthy behaviors. One of my biggest fears was that I would still be an emotional wreck 2 or 3 years from now and think, "oh my gosh, why didn't I go see a therapist 3 years ago!".

Even though I have so many wonderful sources of support in my life (more than I could have ever imagined), I do feel alone in some ways. One of the main things that I'm struggling with currently is that we don't get to have another baby for a few years. Maybe I've posted about that before... I'm too tired to go back and look right now :). It seems like most of the people that I've connected with who have experienced this profound loss are certainly grieving, but are also anxious to try to conceive again relatively soon. Kurt and I just don't have that option for the next 2 or 3 years or so. In most ways, I am really okay with it because I know we have the chance to strengthen our relationship, finish school, start paying off student loans... etc. I'm just worried that soon, all of the people that I've connected with SO much over the past few months will be moving on to a stage in their lives that I'm not ready for yet, and I won't have support from them in the same way anymore. I know that may sound silly, but its one of the things I'm hoping to work on in therapy. Because having another baby isn't an option for us for so long, I want to be able to focus my attention on the other important things in my life without having that in the back of my head constantly (or at least not as intensely as it has been).

We'll see how that goes.

In other news... we finally finally finally officially ordered Olivia's grave marker this afternoon. We picked out a sweet picture of a little baby angel holding a lamb. I learned today that the lamb is a symbol of Jesus and innocence.. which is perfect! It will say Olivia Margaret Miller, the dates, "Daughter of Betsy and Kurt", and "too beautiful for earth" will be at the bottom. I was worried about going because I thought it would be depressing to know that it's the last formal step to take regarding her death. Actually though, it felt really good to be there picking out the perfect thing for her. It's been a while since Kurt and I actually did something for her together and it was nice. When we left, I felt like a big weight had been lifted off of my shoulders - ordering that had been hanging over our heads for a while now.

Okay... back to packing! I probably shouldn't even have taken the time to post :\

One More Day

Today, I feel more than blessed. I got a very special message from a close family friend this afternoon. When I was about 2, my family moved to Wisconsin. My mom became best friends with our next door neighbor, Lori. They were pregnant at about the same time with my little sister and her son, Sean. I would say that their friendship and relationship could be compared to the relationship that sisters have. When we moved back to Nebraska a few years later, Lori and my mom both had a pretty hard time with it! I know that my mom was excited to move back home and be able to raise her daughters close to their grandparents and other extended family, but moving away from such a close friend was still very difficult for her.

After we moved, Lori and her family came to visit us once, and a few summers ago we drove up to visit them. Over the years they have kept in touch with Christmas cards and a few phone calls. I am "facebook friends" with Lori's daughter, Megan, and apparently Meg saw the news of Olivia's birth and passing on my facebook page, and passed the link to my blog along to Lori. I know that Lori called my mom immediately, but I think my mom was out with us that night getting everything set up at the funeral home.

The message I received today from Lori is one of the most beautiful things that I've received over these past few months. Who knew that one of the most meaningful things would come from someone who lives so far away, and who I haven't really been in contact with myself at all.

We have reached that point where people in our every day lives (aside from family) don't really ask us how we're doing or talk about Olivia anymore. I really, really needed that message to me. It is so amazing to me that Livie's little life is continuing to touch people all over the country. I am so proud of her :).

Anyway, I'm writing this post to share a song that Lori suggested that I download. I hadn't heard of the group of of this song until today. I literally collapsed on the couch as I listened to it this afternoon. Here is the video and the lyrics to One More Day, by Rocket Club.

I’ll never get to hold you

I’ll never hear your sweet voice sing
I’ll never get to say ‘I told you so’
I’ll never read to you or get to teach you anything

But you’ll always be my hope
You’ll always be my first light
You’re always gonna be daddy’s little girl
You’ll always be the strength I need to make it in this world
I only wish for one more day


I’m gonna miss your first day of school
I’ll never see you turn that page
I’ll never see you in your graduation gown
And I’m never gonna see you coming of age
But you’ll always be my hope
You’ll always be my first light
You’re always gonna be mommy’s little girl
You’ll always be the strength I need to make it in this world
I only wish for one more day


Sweet angel of mercy
Coming down to comfort me
Faith sit right here beside me
I never want you to go away
I’m always gonna wonder how you’d look
Always gonna wish I took your place up there
You’ll always be our hope
You’ll always be our first light
You’re always gonna be our little girl
You’ll always be the strength we need to make it in this world
We only wish for one more day
We only wish for one more day

Lori, if you are reading this tonight, thank you so much for impacting my day in such a wonderful way today. It meant so much.

Tickle Monster..

Last night, I packed up the majority of Olivia's room. Kurt had the day off and said that he was going to spend most of it packing, so I asked him if he would just leave her room for me to take care of. He kind of laughed and said he wouldn't dream of touching it because he knew how particular I would be about how to pack her things.

I did pretty well, honestly. I thought it was going to be really hard for me, but I took my camera in there with me. Anytime I got to something special or meaningful that I thought would be hard for me to put into a box, I took a picture of it. I ended up going a little crazy and took way more pictures than I'll ever be able to do anything with, but oh well. It felt good, and that's all that matters right? Here are just a few of them.

My mom bought this little elephant for Olivia when we were shopping at
Babies R Us. It sings "Your Are My Sunshine" in the sweetest little voice.
It matches her bedding perfectly. When we came home from the hospital,
Kurt put the little hair cover that he had to wear during my c-section on it's
head. I can't bring myself to take it off! He used to sit on her dresser.

The butterfly letters I painted for above her crib. I've posted the
pictures of these before. I just love them.

Livie's sweet bedding. I seriously can't get enough of it. It makes me sad that it's packed into a tub now and we probably won't use it again. I picked it out after I knew we were having a girl, and after I knew her name was Olivia. I feel like I picked it out just for her, and I don't feel right re-using it for our next girl (if we have one). I guess I just think our future daughter deserves to have as much love and care put into her bedroom as Olivia had. Plus, if we have a girl she will be using TONS of Olivia'sstuff. I'm sure we'll be able to spring for a new bedding set. Haha.

Like I said, I did pretty well! I didn't shed a tear while I packed up the things that I thought would upset me the most (pictured above). Then, I began packing up the basked of books that sat on the floor next to her room. I was putting them all in a big plastic tub (I love to read and especially love childrens' books so I had accumulated LOTS over those 8 months), and I got to the bottom of the basket, to one of my favorites. Tickle Monster. I bought that book at Von Maur, sometime during the pregnancy, mostly just because I thought it was adorable. It's about the Tickle Monster, and each page he tickles this little monster in a different spot. The idea is that you're supposed to read it to your kids and tickle them wherever the Tickle Monster is tickling the little monster. They actually sell it with this mit/glove thing that looks just like his hand that you can wear while you do it (I thought that part was weird and didn't buy it, haha).

I read that book to Olivia while I was pregnant. So many times. I have a book called "Bonding Before Birth", and it recommended that you read and sing to your baby during the pregnancy. So, while Kurt was working nights, I would sit on the bed and we would listen to music, and I would read to her. I would rub my tummy whenever the Tickle Monster would tell me to tickle. It was especially fun to do when she was kicking or moving around. I would imagine that she was squirming like she would be one day as a little toddler being tickled by her mama.

Upon seeing that book, I burst into tears. I think packing up her room was affecting me emotionally more than I thought it was, and I just let it all out. Seeing that book made me think about (as if I needed another reminder) all the things that we thought we were going to get to do with her that we're missing out on. I felt so angry. Still, I couldn't bring myself to pack it up with all the other books, so I put it in the pile of things to go into her memory box. I had to leave the room for a little while to pull myself together, so I came out to the couch and posted on a forum about the book. [The forum is for pregnancy loss and has gotten me through a lot of tough times, but that's another story for another post :]. Then I went back into her room, and continued packing.

Tonight, I was checking some of the blogs that I read regularly. To my surprise, my new friend Meredith (who I posted about before), had written a whole post about that little message that I posted about the book. She bought the same book while she was pregnant with her sweet little one, and read it out loud to her also. Ironically, she was working on some things and came across her copy last night too. She ended her post with this quote, from the last page of the book...

"Now please don't worry and please don't fret, because TICKLE MONSTER isn't done with you yet. Here's one more thing before I must go... I love you so much, I want you to know!"

That says it all. I'm not done with her  yet. I love her so much, and I want her to know that I'm not done... I will never forget her, I will always be her mama and she will always be my baby.

Thank you, Mer, for posting that and making me see everything in a whole different light. I needed that post more than she could have known. I have been working EXTREMELY hard at trying to make this as positive of an experience as possible, with as little anger as possible. I was letting the anger get the best of me last night, and Meredith's post saved me from that. :)

Click here to check out Meredith's amazing blog.

Show Us Your Ministry

I am working on a much longer post for today, but it's taking me longer than I anticipated!

So for now, I just wanted to share something awesome with you. Kelly, from Kelly's Korner is doing a project called Show Us Your Life. Each week has a different topic. Today's is Show Us Your Ministry. She opened it up for everyone, whether they have an actual organization or ministry that deals with a certain topic/struggle, or just for people who have been struggling with something personally and blog about it. Anyone can post the link to their website/blog. I was blown away by the range of topics that people posted - each one if a link to a blog that can genuinely help someone. I read through a couple of them this morning, even ones that didnt' apply to me and they are so encouraging. I just thought I'd post the link here, because reading through other people's stories has been one of the biggest helps to me through this process. Hopefully you'll be able to find something there that will speak to you. Just click on the button below to read. :)

Love Never Fails

In honor of Valentine's Day, here are the lyrics and a video and to one of my new favorites, Love Never Fails by Brandon Heath. This song will be sung at our wedding ceremony, and I can't wait!

Sidenote: I ordered my wedding dress the other day, and I am DYING to post the pictures my mom and sister took of me wearing it when I tried it on again. I don't want Kurt to see though, so I guess it'll just have to wait until next November!



Love is not proud
Love does not boast
Love after all
Matters the most

Love does not run
Love does not hide
Love does not keep
Locked inside
Love is the river that flows through
Love never fails you

 Love will sustain
Love will provide
Love will not cease
At the end of time
Love will protect

 Love always hopes
Love still believes
When you don’t
Love is the arms that are holding you
Love never fails you

 When my heart won’t make a sound
When I can’t turn back around
When the sky is falling down
Nothing is greater than this
Greater than this

Love is right here
Love is alive
Love is the way
The truth the life

Love is the river than flows through
Love is the arms that are holding you
Love is the place you will fly to
Love never fails you

The Help

For the past few days, I have been reading the most amazing book. I finished it tonight, and it is probably one of the best books I've ever read. I couldn't stop reading it, and read about 250 pages last night! Kurt was trying to sleep next to me and thought I was insane for staying up so late. It's one of the first things I've allowed myself to focus on (aside from school work) that's not infant-loss related. I've got tons of books about that, and have basically poured over them since November. But, The Help was recomended on a blog that I read often. It's been on every best-seller list for 2009, so those of you who pay attention to that kind of thing may have already heard of it or read it.

In short, the book is set in Jackson, Mississippi in the early 1960s. It follows the story of two black maids and one extraordinary white woman who begins to realize that there is something wrong with the way the white Jackson society treats their "help". She enlists these women to help her create a book of true stories about their experiences as maids for some of the most prominent families in town. In some cases, the children in these families were closer to the maids than they were to their own mothers, who were too busy to care for them themselves. The civil rights era is one of my favorite times to learn/read about... and this is one dimension of that time that I hadn't ever given much thought to.

This book doesn't have much to do with babies. One of the maids cares for a little girl who is two, and there are a few pregnancies in the book... but they don't really take precident or have a whole lot to do with the story. At least not enough to be upsetting....

Then, about halfway through the book, while Miss Skeeter (the white woman) is talking about the kinds of stories she's been hearing from the maids during the interviews that she's been conducting late at night, so that none of her white friends will know what she's doing.

Here is a quote from that page.

         "The talk turns mundane at times, with complaints of low pay, hard hours, bratty children. But then there are stories of white babies dying in arms. That soft, empty look in their still blue eyes.
   
          Olivia, she was called. Just a tiny baby, with her tiny hand holding on to my finger, breathing so hard...".

I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. Kurt was sleeping next to me, which was the only thing that kept me from bursting into tears and completely losing it. I laid here for about 5 minutes, just staring at those paragraphs.

You have GOT to be kidding me!! That's what I was thinking at first. Out of ALL the books I could have chosen to order from amazon, and out of ALL the names that Kathryn Stockett could have chosen to name that little baby... it had to be Olivia. What are the ODDS OF THAT?

I have to tell you, I was mad when I read it, at first. I mean, come on! I'm doing everything in my power to feel better. Finding things to do to take my mind off of this grief (like reading, for example) And JUST when I'm starting to feel comfortable, and haven't thought about her for about 20 minutes (that's about as long as I can go, so far)... there she is.

Then... I realized. God is telling me not to forget her. He's reminding me that she is everywhere. Livie is always waith me... no matter what I'm doing. She doesn't want me to forget about her, and I think that she and God are trying to make sure that doesn't happen. Not that it ever would... but I think you get what I'm saying. I turned down the corner on that page in the book, and have re-read it a few times.

Remember the other day when I posted about being afraid to move forward because moving forward seems like forgetting? I think reading this book was an answer to my prayers. A reminder that just because I'm moving forward and allowing myself to focus on other things doesn't mean that I love Livie any less than I did when I did nothing but lay on the couch and think about her all the time. God knew that I was struggling with this, and he sent this book to me to teach me that I am her mama, and she is my baby... and that won't change no matter what's going on in my life.

I love when He speaks to me like this, even thought it often takes me a day or two to calm down and realize what's happening.

And... here's a picture of Olivia that no one's really seen. Kurt, my Mom and I have it as the background on our phones. Kurt took the picture with his phone in the hospital.

I don't know anything that's more beautiful than that little face.

Lots of things to update...

These past few days have been nuts.

Wednesday was the busiest, weirdest, and one of the best days I've had in a long time.
In the morning, we had to go to a court thing for Kurt's brother  downtown(that's another story for another day, but I don't want to post much about it until things are finally all sorted out). We were all dressed up from that, so shortly after we got home, we decided to go out to lunch at Kona.
It has been a while since we got dressed up and went out together for a meal by ourselves. It was so nice, except I felt sick and hardly ate any of my food :\.

I laid down for a while when we got back to the apartment, and then I headed out for my *final* follow up appointment with my OB. My heart was beating really fast, and I felt like my circulation was being cut off in my wrists and ankles. Weird, right? Then, I threw up in the parking lot before I drove away. That was fun. At least I was on my way to the doctor!

The appointment went very well. I was angry with my doctor for quite a few reasons at the time of Olivia's birth. I didn't feel like she did enough while we were in the hospital, etc. etc. BUT, she makes me feel so good when I go see her now. I haven't decided if I will continue to see her for my "yearly feminine visits", but if I don't it's just because I don't want to be tortured by laying on the same exam table next to the same u/s machine that we first saw Livie's little heartbeat on... every year. Anyway, she gave me a huge hug when I got there and we just immediately started talking. We talked about medical things and personal/emotional things... it was almost like talking to a friend. I told her about everything that's been going on with us and she was so happy that I decided to see the therapist that she recommended. She said that she's had several patients see her, and she's heard nothing but good things.

Medically, everything is all healed and she said that the incision is looking perfect. My blood pressure was high, and I asked her if that had anything to do with the weird feeling that I was having about my circulation being cut off. She listened to my heart and lungs and asked me some questions, and finally ordered some bloodwork just to see if there was anything "wrong" with me. She said there are some "weird, post partum things" that can happen, especially after a c-section. That made me nervous, but yesterday her nurse called me and said that everything came back perfectly normal. One "number" was high, but she said it wasn't anything to worry about, and they'll check me again when I go back in 4 weeks.
I'm going back in four weeks... because I got a prescription for anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds, and she wants me to follow up with her. Hopefully, the medication helps. I wasn't planning on asking for a prescription at all, but after I explained some things that I'd been feeling (like not being able to keep my feet still when I'm trying to fall asleep at night, even tohugh I'm exhausted), she said that she thinks I might be having anxiety right now, which is understandable.

I left the appointment feeling really good. No one has really asked me in person (aside from family) how I'm doing emotionally in quite some time... She asked me lots of questions about Olivia and about how I'm feeling, and it felt nice to be asked about it. I know it's her job and she kind of has to... but it made me feel good.

After my appointment, I went straight to work. It was kind of a long night, and I was so looking forward to coming home and getting right into bed to finish my new book The Help (More about that in another post, soon). Buuuut... Kurt had other ideas, and called me to tell me that his work friends were going to a bar in Council Bluffs and wanted us to come.

Soooo... I dragged myself home from work and started to get ready while he was still at the gym. While I was deciding what to wear, something perked me RIGHT up.

I. fit. in. to. my. pre. pregnancy. jeans.

That's right folks. I've been wearing my maternity jeans for the past 3 months. My weight gain was a little more than I had intended it to be, and I refused to give in to my new "size" and by regular pants! I still had to wear my bella-band with them, but it felt AWESOME. Also, I had brand-new red high heels to wear with them, which felt pretty awesome too.

We went out to 1892 and actually had a fun time. Usually, I don't do the best in a group of people that I've never met before. It just brings me back to my awkward lunch times at Ackerman Elementary where I sat by myself and every time I tried to start up a conversation with someone, I said something ridiculous and made a fool out of myself. I can be the life of the party in a group of people I already know, but if I don't know a soul, I tend to just sit there and listen to everyone else having fun.

I let myself loosen up quite a bit though, and had a really good time. I think it was SO good for Kurt and I to get *out*. We haven't been to a bar together since... September when Taylor and Brit were in town, but obviously I couldn't drink then. :)

We left a little bit early, but I introduced Kurt to the magic that is Alvarado's on Broadway, and we brought it home and ate it in bed.

Long day... long, but good.

Oh, and remember how I posted about being nervous to weigh in at Weight Watchers last night? My mom and i BOTH lost 3.2 pounds since the last time we weighed in, which brings my weight loss down to almost 5 pounds. I'm not sure how much Mom's is, but somewhere around there! YAY!!

Night. :)