Saturday, February 27, 2010

first therapy appointment today.

Today was a BUSY day!

This morning, I had my first appointment with my new therapist. We didn't do a whole lot of "work", since it was just the initial visit and she mostly just wanted to hear about Olivia and what's been going on since she passed away. She was great though, and made me feel comfortable right away. She told me that she thinks I've been handling things "beautifully" on my own. I really do feel like that's true... but it felt really good to hear an actual LMHP tell me that. I mostly wanted to see her because I wanted to make sure that I'm doing all the right things... that I'm heading in the right direction and demonstrating healthy behaviors. One of my biggest fears was that I would still be an emotional wreck 2 or 3 years from now and think, "oh my gosh, why didn't I go see a therapist 3 years ago!".

Even though I have so many wonderful sources of support in my life (more than I could have ever imagined), I do feel alone in some ways. One of the main things that I'm struggling with currently is that we don't get to have another baby for a few years. Maybe I've posted about that before... I'm too tired to go back and look right now :). It seems like most of the people that I've connected with who have experienced this profound loss are certainly grieving, but are also anxious to try to conceive again relatively soon. Kurt and I just don't have that option for the next 2 or 3 years or so. In most ways, I am really okay with it because I know we have the chance to strengthen our relationship, finish school, start paying off student loans... etc. I'm just worried that soon, all of the people that I've connected with SO much over the past few months will be moving on to a stage in their lives that I'm not ready for yet, and I won't have support from them in the same way anymore. I know that may sound silly, but its one of the things I'm hoping to work on in therapy. Because having another baby isn't an option for us for so long, I want to be able to focus my attention on the other important things in my life without having that in the back of my head constantly (or at least not as intensely as it has been).

We'll see how that goes.

In other news... we finally finally finally officially ordered Olivia's grave marker this afternoon. We picked out a sweet picture of a little baby angel holding a lamb. I learned today that the lamb is a symbol of Jesus and innocence.. which is perfect! It will say Olivia Margaret Miller, the dates, "Daughter of Betsy and Kurt", and "too beautiful for earth" will be at the bottom. I was worried about going because I thought it would be depressing to know that it's the last formal step to take regarding her death. Actually though, it felt really good to be there picking out the perfect thing for her. It's been a while since Kurt and I actually did something for her together and it was nice. When we left, I felt like a big weight had been lifted off of my shoulders - ordering that had been hanging over our heads for a while now.

Okay... back to packing! I probably shouldn't even have taken the time to post :\

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2 comments:

Michelle Karr said...

Betsy, I completely understand your struggle with everyone else moving on to a new stage while you can't. I am surrounded by pregnant women right now, and one of the friends that I was leaning on most found out she was pregnant on the day of Janie Beth's visitation. That was really hard!!!! I cried, lost it really. :) And each new pregnancy hurts a little. It is getting easier though.

Janie Beth's headstone came in and was placed ealier this week. It is so nice to have it up!! It is beautiful and just hers. I am so glad that you are happy with it. I look forward to seeing it.

I am glad to see that you are doing well handling things. It is always nice to know that you aren't way off the path.

Ashley D said...

I feel the same way. Honestly, I want to be with the rest of the Moms I have connected with. I want to join their new journey and not feel left out.
I think it's because we all started a journey together and it feels weird not to continue together towards a happy ending.

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