Sunday, February 6, 2011


{I was going through my posts today and found this draft that I wrote in August. I'm not sure why I never posted it... I read through it again and really liked it ... so here it is. I added the last two paragraphs on today}.

Loss. No one wants to acknowledge it. Our society completely sucks at that. And that sucks. People feel uncomfortable talking about bad things that happen, whether its to themselves or someone else. When people are having a conversation about loss, notice how almost everyone will try to justify it, or turn it into something positive by saying things like "It could have been worse", or, "at least _____ didn't happen", "at least we were able to ________", "... But we're lucky that...". I'm guilty of treating loss this way - I've done it in probably the majority of my posts here on this blog. And in all honesty, these things are usually true. We ARE lucky that we got to spend three days with Olivia, we were told that if we had waited any longer for an ultrasound that she would have been stillborn. So, yes, we are lucky.

But there are times when thinking about the positive is more painful than thinking about the negative. There are times when the loss is so painful that thinking about any of the happy times we had makes it hurt worse - because those happy times that we remember are the only ones we'll ever have with her here.

I have begun to feel like making those "yes it is/was awful, but..." statements is discounting our loss - making it sound like it wasn't - or isn't - as bad as it really is/was. Why do we feel like we need to say things to make OTHERS feel better about OUR pain?

I guess I'm just feeling down today, and frustrated with it. I wish loss was a more comfortable thing to talk about. I think it frustrates me really because I myself am completely comfortable talking about it - those of you who have lost babies know, that you talk about it so much that at some point it isn't hard any more. It's not ME that I'm being positive for. It's the person that I'm talking to. that person, whoever it is, isn't used to dealing with it every living breathing moment of every single day, and so when they ask you "how are you doing?" It totally freaks them out to hear, "Awful. Today sucks, I hate it, I'm very sad and I miss my kid".

This, I think, is why I keep posting things to help raise awareness for infant loss. I know I don't have too many followers compared to some of you guys, but if I can make just one person more comfortable with the idea of loss then that makes me happy. Because when it happens, you NEED a friend that can simply say "I hear ya - it sucks, I hate that you're sad and I'm sad too. I wish I could have known your baby" ... rather than "ohh, isn't that too bad. welp, it'll get better! Time heals all wounds". {do not say this, btw}

Anywho, there's my rant for the day. I'm at work and really should be working :).


Elise said...

Love this post. I think that is why I post about it too, so people can understand that it is ok to talk about.

ALo said...

thank you so much for this post...glad that you found it! it will be one month tomorrow that we lost our sweet baby and i feel like people already want me to be "back to normal". i too hate the "time heals all wounds". no, time heals nothing; things heal based on what we do with our time, but we will always have a scar! you (and your blog) have helped me so much in the past few weeks...please keep blogging! thank you!!! hugs! aimee

Lia Larson said...

I feel the same way Betsy. I've been having a rough couple weeks. Time doesn't always heal all wounds...I've actually been missing our baby girl more as time goes on. Like you, I want to raise awareness and MAKE people in my life acknowledge what we're going through. Some day it will make a bigger difference I hope. I struggle with my own extended family at times. I have a lot of pent up thoughts & emotions about it all so I'm sure it'll come out via a new blog post soon. Last week someone at work saw me in the restroom and asked how I was doing...I said "ok". Then she prompted again by asking, but how are you really? That's when I started crying and told her how hard it really is. It was nice to get it out and not pretend all is well...

Debbie Hills - Betsy's mom said...

I agree with you, Betsy. Having lost your older sister, Katie, to still birth almost 25 years ago, I can honestly say the feelings of hurt and loss and pain never entirely go away. To this day I still cry and have bad moments. But time does give you the chance to go through the stages of grief and to figure out how to go on with our lives in a positive way.

However brief our time was with our little babies, they were a part of us - and they will always be. They will always contribute in making us the people we are now. We will never be the same.

I also thought you had a good point when you asked "Why should WE have to make OTHERS feel better about OUR pain? Our culture has a lot to learn about this. If people have suffered their own loss, they are usually more sensitive. Others will need to be taught. The kind lady in the rest room who asked Lia Larson in the previous comment how she was REALLY doing obviously understood. Either she had suffered her own loss or was close to someone who had. People need to be made aware of this. I am proud of you and what you are doing with your blog.

Amanda said...

I love this! I'm glad I stumbled upon this blog, because it is so beautiful.

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