Monday, February 8, 2010

Plans to prosper you and not to harm you...

I am at a dark place in my grief right now. I have posted before about the ups and downs about this whole thing... and right now I'm not really feeling any more "down" than I have at other times. I guess what I'm feeling is sick of it! I just want this feeling to go away and never come back. Often, I feel like I've just gotten the wind taken out of me, or like I've been punched in the stomach without any warning. It's just... not fair.

I hate saying that. I don't like saying it to myself, and I especially don't like typing it out for everyone to see. But, I've been learning that holding things in is not healthy... and I started this blog to reveal myself, and get to know myself... not to hide from that. I do know that life isn't fair. I know that we aren't promised happiness in this life, only in the next. I know that God doesn't let us suffer just because he enjoys watching His people in pain. It is not my place or anyone else's to judge God, and I feel guilty when I question his judgment. But how can I not (sometimes)? How can a mother who has had her child taken away from her just tell herself that everything's fine because He knows what he's doing... and just as simple as that, move on with her life?

That's what I'm having a hard time doing right now. Moving on with my life. I guess I should say this before I go on. I don't really want to move on. I'm afraid that moving on is the same thing as forgetting. I'm afraid to leave this place that I'm in, because I don't want to forget anything about Olivia. As much as I want to just enjoy my relationship with Kurt and all of the other wonderful things in my life, I'm afraid that if I let myself get to wrapped up in everything else, that I'll get less wrapped up in her, and I won't feel like I'm her mommy anymore.

I want to learn how to move forward in a healthy way, without completely having to "move on" with my life. I want to figure out how I can possibly stay focused on school, keep building my relationship with this amazing man that I have in my life, plan the wedding, work, etc. while still feeling connected to Olivia.... without having to dwell on the fact that she's not here, and without having to neglect the other important aspects of my life. Is that even possible? Reading over that, it sounds like a pretty tall order to fill. Perhaps I'm trying to do this too fast. When I stop and think about that it's only been two and a half months, I realize that that's not really very long... at all.

I'm calling my OB's office tomorrow to get the name of a therapist from her. At my last follow-up appointment, she told me that there is a woman in their practice who specializes in perinatal and neonatal loss. She asked me then if I wanted her number, and I told her no.. that I was doing fine. I think I was just in such a state of shock at that time and had no idea how this road that we're walking on right now would twist and turn. I don't feel horribly upset or depressed... yeah, I have days where I don't want to get out of bed... but it's only been two and a half months since my daughter died. Isn't it normal to wonder how daily life is supposed to matter anymore? Anyhow, I just want to get some help before this spirals out of control. Maybe it never will. I know there are lots of women who never see a professional and get through this thing on their own. I just don't want to take my chances... and I would rather not prolong this feeling that I'm having.

This, however, always makes me feel better when I read it.

"For  iknow the plans I have for you," Declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," Declares the Lord.

                                                                     Jeremiah 29:11-14A

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Megan said...

Hi Betsy. I can relate to all of this so much. I'm glad you're calling to get the name of a therapist. It has helped me so much. I hope it helps you, too. I'm here whenever you want to talk.

The McNeil Family said...

Oh Betsy,
While I lost my daughter earlier than you did, I can still relate to your feelings. There is always the thought in the back of my mind, that if other people have seemed to move on, then what am I supposed to do? To me moving on suggests that I am to forget. Losing my daughter was not just some speed bump in my life, where I look in the rearview mirror one time and then move on down the road. I cannot and will not forget.

My mom told me a few days ago, that "it's not moving on, it's working through." And she is right. We have to work through the pain and the darkness, it is not something that we can just leave behind. I try to focus on working through, instead of moving on. It is actually my comfort to know that I am not moving on and considering her loss just some thing that happened. I am working through her loss and that pain of emptiness and being reminded everyday that her loss is a constant. She is a constant. She will always be in my heart. I don't want to forget her (my biggest fear is forgetting). But with that, the pain will still be there. So when days are really tough, I just tell myself "Meredith, just work through this next 5 minutes, or work through this until you get home".

Don't move on. You don't have to. Work through. Move through. As slowly or as fast as you like. It's like a river. Sometimes the flow is fast and you can't get your footing easily. other times, it is slow and at a trickle and you can easily see the bottom. And if you feel the water is just too high, let go of the fight, get on your back, and just ride the river. Livie will always be there with you... helping you move through.

Working through will make you stronger. Even on the days that you can't get out of bed or you feel like you can't breathe... you are still stronger than the day before.

I am thankful to God that you are taking the next step that you feel is healthy for you. Counseling is a wonderful tool.

You are a strong woman, Betsy. And remember Livie is so proud of you... and so is your Lord.

Lots of prayers,

sfretwell said...

Hi Betsy,

I just came across your blog from Beth Moore's. Your picture caught my eye. Livie was absolutely beautiful! We just lost our baby at 20 weeks. It was only 6 weeks ago, but I totally relate to how you're feeling. It has helped me so much to talk/email other mothers who have gone through the same thing. I have only read your posts up to this point, but your strengh and hope are amazing! You can really see God through you. That is so very encouraging to me. If you would ever like to "talk" please feel free to email me. You will be in my prayers.

Gods blessings,

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