Saturday, March 27, 2010


I had a pretty rough night on Monday night. I'm not sure what it was that triggered it, but all day I had been feeling kind of off.  I had a paper to work on and another assignment due Tuesday morning, but I couldn't bring myself to work on anything. At all. I kept motivating myself, and then I would sit down at the computer and I would just stare at the blank Microsoft Word screen.

finally, I forced myself to get everything finished - I think I was finally done 2 or so. I felt restless, and I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep if I went to bed, and Kurt was working over night so I was all by myself. Usually when this happens, I rest on the couch and read a book, or catch up on the latest posts of the blogs that I read. I settled onto the couch with my laptop - reading the blogs of women who are dealing with similar struggles always makes me feel better... or at least less alone.

Angie Smith had a new one - I posted about her blog before, Bring The Rain. Anyway, I think I mentioned before that I have pre-ordered her new book, I Will Carry You: The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy which is all about the loss of her baby, Audrey, and how the Lord has helped her and her family through the pain of it. I had read that she was traveling with her Husband's band and doing some speaking engagements. They are from Nashville so I guess I just assumed that they would just be hitting some Southern cities, I don't know why. Ugh... I can't even believe that I'm writing about this - it seemed so awful at the time, and now it seems kind of silly. Anyway, over on the side of her blog, she has a feed from her Twitter. I don't use Twitter, so I never really pay attention to it - but Monday night, it caught my eye. She was re-tweeting her husbands post, which said "Concert tonight with Angie Smith, near Omaha, NE. Tickets Available!".

WHAT!? I clicked on it and read more, and found out that they had been @ Lutheran Church of the Master... THE night before. LCM is a mere 15 minutes from my house. Her husbands band was doing a concert, and Angie spoke about their experience with Audrey. It didn't help that someone posted beneath that one, "So, I've heard Angie's story before because we are friends, but I've never heard her tell it to an audience. Someone pass the tissue!"

Seriously, I realize that this probably really does sound ridiculous... but I was so upset!  I immediately started crying at the computer. Is that stupid? To get so upset about something that doesn't really matter? I honestly believe that I wouldn't have gotten through these past few months, or even my hospital stay if I hadn't been able to read her story. I learned so much about how to deal with grief and how to hope for the future through her writing. I was elated when I found out that she wrote a book. I've watched interviews with her online... she's awesome. I have been really feeling like I need a pick-me-up lately.. and there it was. For $10, fifteen minutes away from my house. And I find out ONE day too late? What are the odds, right? You have to be kidding me.

I guess that's really all I have to say about it... I don't really know what I'm trying to get at here. I am just missing my girl and trying to grab ahold of every opportunity to feel close to her, and it hurt to know that I missed such a big one.

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The McNeil Family said...

Oh sweetie. I am sorry your Monday was less than desirable (my Thursday was that way). I know what it feels like to miss something that would have been such a cooling relief to the soul. But at times, I believe that it is in those moments that God is talking to us. Yes, we feel we missed out on something wonderful, but it might be during those times of revelation (more like a "are you kidding me?" moment), that God can really speak to us. Now what He is saying, I really have no idea. ;) I love reading Angie's blog, btw!! But I can tell you this. You do not need to hear Angie or anyone else speak to be close to Livie. She is always there with you. She is always holding your hand, hanging on your leg, following you around. She makes sure the God takes care of you. So whenever you feel like she might be slipping away, remember that she is always holding onto you.

Does that make any sense?? And I am in NO way trying to downplay your feelings on missing out on hearing Angie speak. I know hearing her would have been so uplifting and glorious.

On a more serious note, maybe this will teach you to keep up with happenings in your own backyard. LOL!!!

Love you,

Michelle Karr said...

Sending you BIG (((HUGS)))!!!! I pray that your week got better and this next week is full of blessing!! Those days are hard. Thinking about you and praying for you!

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